And you knew it wasn't true, but you agreed anyway.

...tomorrow, when we talk about it again, he'll say that it was just my attitude that made him say that. He'll say it was just the way I act like I know everything, that it's my fault he got angry. And I'll see his side of the story and forget that he's not seeing mine, and then I'll agree to try to change something about myself so that we can communicate better when really, really, the fact is we will never ever communicate effectively because he will never be held accountable for the things he does that are wrong. He will always blame me...


Pretty much more or less exactly how it went tonight. Plus a panic attack when he said he was going home early. I freaked out at the thought that he would rather go home and lay on the uncomfortable bedroom floor while listening to his estranged girlfriend breathe while she sleeps in what used to be their bed...than spend another moment with me.
And the thought made me start hyperventilating, then I started feeling like a child and an idiot who couldn't control her emotions (anymore) and I freaked out even more. Then I felt guilty because he ripped his tennis shoes off and said "jesus fucking christ" and I just knew he was thinking I'm a weak, annoying, immature, manipulative bitch. So then I cried even harder for making him feel that way (if he was, indeed feeling that way).

Anyway...I made him mad, so that's why he told me to shut the fuck up. I was having an attitude. Because I told him "I am not in control of what YOU say...I refuse to take responsibility for YOUR choice of words." he rebutted by accusing me of always defending my actions, making excuses, and retracing my steps to make myself look better. Oh, also...when he was making me feel threatened by pointing at my face and standing closely over me, and I responded by disarming his threat...he says I was trying to get him to hurt me physically.
"I would never raise my hands to you, you fucking know that! So it was almost like you were egging me on, wanting me to do something to you"
Oh...okay...I thought I was stomping his threat to the ground, not inviting more.
I know he would never hit me...that's why it's so jarring and scary when his body language is so threatening. I know that's how he intends it to be, too...but according to him, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Tonight's argument was about my best friend coming into town for a week next month. I told him I was going to St.Louis to visit her for a couple of days. He got mad because I "Told" him instead of "Informing" him. He wants me to phrase it as "Do you mind if I..." But I tried to explain to him that's misleading because I don't care if he minds or not...I'm going to St.Louis so I thought I'd let him know.
Well now I'm selfish and I don't take his feelings into consideration.
Also...because my friend is coming here, I told him I'd probably be spending a couple nights hanging out with her (They don't like each other so I assumed he wouldn't be involved...and he said he was like "why can't you hang out during the day?" What the fuck??? What the fuck??? What. The. Fuck.

My face itches.

THENNNNNN he said that because I stereotype cops (as ruthless, douchebag ass wipe morons who are power-hungry and fucked up), I have no place getting mad at his friends for stereotyping women or minorities in front of me. Okay...that makes sense. Dumbass.

ANyway...

I've realized that this blog has started being about MY RELATIONSHIP instead of MY HEART HEALTH.
For that, I apologize to you and to myself.
I am giving way too much power to this shit...and not enough towards my well-being.
Well...my heart is okay right now. A bit tired after tonight.


Please tell me I'm a good person. Tell me I'm not selfish or stupid or fucking ignorant and immature. Tell me I'm wanted and beautiful. Tell me I'm worthy of being touched...tell me I'm not crazy for needing physical affection as complement to verbal affection. Tell me I'm not pissing you off by staying with my partner because I'm weak and just roll over and take it. Tell me something positive and wonderful.
Please.