Holy fucking shit, this month has been WEIRD.
Seriously. Terrible, weird, awesome, godawful and strange. All at once.
So, Ryan came home on the 5th. That was terrible. He was an asshole and I'll spare you the details but I basically dropped him off at his house after I picked him up from the airport because he was being such a doucher. So then the next day we did the obligatory "I'm sorry"'s and then I went over to his house. We had sex, and then he was weird so I left again.
The next day, we broke up over the phone. It was hard.
It was friendly though, and we vowed to continue to be friends and agreed that he would still help me with my health stuff (taking me to biopsies, etc...).
So we talked every day for a couple weeks, and he took me to a biopsy. We talked and hashed shit out (we agreed not to have sex, and tied up some other loose ends) and I actually felt pretty good about everything. It was hard, don't get me wrong...I just wasn't devastated. I was okay.
The day of the biopsy it was weird. He was staring at me and playing with my hair and walking with his hand on my butt. I could tell something was up.
Then I was at pool last week and Ryan texted me saying he was sad. When I asked him why, he said "I'm an idiot, I let a good thing go, but oh well" and when I responded by saying we both tried as hard as we could have, he said "I could have tried harder", it was confusing and odd. I asked him if we could talk about it in person and he said "some other time maybe".
The next day I asked him to go on a walk with me since it was really nice outside. We went hiking on a trail out at rockbridge park. He was talking about how attractive I looked and we were kind of flirting, and at one point my ass crack was hanging out when I was sitting on a cliff, and I said "sorry my ass is hanging out, don't look" and he said "I like looking at it". It was strange. I eventually got up enough courage to confront him about the confusing texts. I told him it seemed like mixed messages. He said he's just confused, that he didn't know what he wanted and wouldn't elaborate any more than that.
Yesterday I went to his house and we had sex...yeah...the sex we agreed not to have? I guess we were both just feeling weak and horny...so, we did. It was amazing sex, funny enough. I gave him a back massage and we had sex again. It was even more amazing the second time. Then we watched the Oscars and I went home. It was confusing.
Today I was thinking about it a lot, and he called me and I kind of blurted it out all at once. He was frustratingly clueless about everything. He said "you want me to tell you how I feel, so I told you that I'm wondering if I made the right decision, and now you're saying it's confusing you, so I just won't tell you how I feel I guess" and when I asked him what we're doing he played stupid "what do you mean, what are we doing?" I was like....um, you're sending me mixed messages. "What mixed messages?!" he was seriously flabbergasted. Eventually the conversation went sour. We were screaming at each other, I had a panic attack, and he got pissed and said he just wanted to be friends and never talk to each other. It was painful and frustrating. He said he regretted having sex "if this is what's going to happen"...like it was my fucking fault that we were arguing! He is completely deluded about his role in his own actions...he always has been. He also kept saying..."I don't know what to say...I have a lot going on right now, soooo" like because he has a lot going on right now I'm not allowed to ask questions or have expectations.
I don't know why I'm putting up with this. I'm pathetic!!!! Am I so self conscious that I'm willing to accept any affection from Ryan, no matter how fucking terrible, rather than none? Am I at that low of a point now? Really?! I am not this woman. I deserve more than this. I deserve love and affection and I fucking deserve more than the scraps of affection and confusion Ryan is able/willing to give me right now. I need to make it clear that he is not allowed to touch me.
Not allowed to touch me or tell me he likes seeing my butt crack. Seriously.
What the fucking fuck?