I am trying. Trying to become a better person/listener/supporter trying not to choose my friends based on whether they can help support me with my medical problems, and trying not to get pissed when I do anyway, and they don't support me.
I'm trying to be okay with not knowing what my future holds, but that's so difficult.
I am trying to make concrete decisions, but I'm finding it hard. I don't know how. I worry about everyone else involved, and I feel selfish for thinking about how it affects me, and choosing what's best for myself, not others.
I am trying, and I am slowly noticing a difference, slowly but surely, I will be better at this.
14.1.11
What I want.
I've been a hard working lady these past few months. Thinking, being introspective. Ryan's out of town for 2 months, and as always when we're apart my mind starts running.
I have been in and out of the hospital 9 times this year. For the same shit every time. This last time I finally gave in and brought my camera, to document what I went through and my surroundings. I was surprised when I found that it made my stay less...lonely. I knew people would see the pictures, comment on them, and know what I was experiencing as though they were there with me. I find it interesting that everyone I know with health problems hides them. For the most part, I do too...a huge majority of the people in my life think I have diabetes and that the pump is insulin. How's that for denial?
I have a new approach.
Tell everyone. Make them uncomfortable, give them too much information, if they don't want to look at the pictures of needles going into my veins, they can turn their fucking heads away. Seriously.
I always worried that sharing information like that would make people baby me. Pity me. I still fear that, but I quelled some of the worries by creating a pseudo personality, one as vibrant as the paragraph above. A woman who isn't self conscious about being perceived as weak/selfish/needy/over-informative. I want to embrace all that is icky about myself. All that may make you cringe.
Also, I found that by viewing my life in the hospital through a lens, I was able to disconnect in a way that wasn't damaging to my mental health. I could step aside and have a new perspective.
I want to do a burlesque show that focuses on people's insecurities, whether that be an "embarrassing" sexual fantasy, or a body issue, disabilities, mental or physical. I think it would be awesome to reclaim those issues and make them sexy. Also...I'm working on an erotic zine.
The end of my rant.
xoxo
I have been in and out of the hospital 9 times this year. For the same shit every time. This last time I finally gave in and brought my camera, to document what I went through and my surroundings. I was surprised when I found that it made my stay less...lonely. I knew people would see the pictures, comment on them, and know what I was experiencing as though they were there with me. I find it interesting that everyone I know with health problems hides them. For the most part, I do too...a huge majority of the people in my life think I have diabetes and that the pump is insulin. How's that for denial?
I have a new approach.
Tell everyone. Make them uncomfortable, give them too much information, if they don't want to look at the pictures of needles going into my veins, they can turn their fucking heads away. Seriously.
I always worried that sharing information like that would make people baby me. Pity me. I still fear that, but I quelled some of the worries by creating a pseudo personality, one as vibrant as the paragraph above. A woman who isn't self conscious about being perceived as weak/selfish/needy/over-informative. I want to embrace all that is icky about myself. All that may make you cringe.
Also, I found that by viewing my life in the hospital through a lens, I was able to disconnect in a way that wasn't damaging to my mental health. I could step aside and have a new perspective.
I want to do a burlesque show that focuses on people's insecurities, whether that be an "embarrassing" sexual fantasy, or a body issue, disabilities, mental or physical. I think it would be awesome to reclaim those issues and make them sexy. Also...I'm working on an erotic zine.
The end of my rant.
xoxo
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