Its like this and like that and like this and...uh?

Feeling a bit better today. More...human. It helps if I just forget everything that is negative. Even if it presents itself, I literally ignore it. It doesn't go away, but it's kind of like acting in a movie, it becomes a game to see how long I play the part. Not perfect, but functional.

I rode on the Harley today. The first time he brought it out this year. Anything dangerous or painful- I crave. I need. I find enthralling and riveting. I want more. I love feeling at the complete and utter mercy of fate and chance and accident. It makes me feel so alive...so normal. So equal to every other body in the world.

I had a dream last night that I got my transplant. I went for it, and then 2 days later I woke up, was walking around, and had a very thick bandage around my sternum with an ice pack against my breastbone and underneath the gauze. I realized I was alone, as in there was no family or friends near me...only doctors and other patients. I was walking outside and it was hot and humid. My heart was beating very hard and very fast. I called my partner, and my mom, and my friends. They said they didn't know I was there, that I must not have called them when I got the call for my transplant. I felt really guilty and bad. Then I called my doctor, and asked whose heart I got...
"I can't tell you that, you know this"
"I know, but make an exception, I just want to know how young the person was"
"sorry, nope".
Then I woke up.


My medicines make me something like 40% more at risk for skin cancer. Even the shortest bit of sunlight makes me burn...for instance standing on the front porch for 5 minutes. And not just like "oh, darn I'm sun burned" But "fuck I need to lie in a bath of ice cubes and aloe for the next 10 days, and bring percocet" kind of sunburn. Point being...I've got several heat rashes right now and they fucking itch.
The medicines also cause severe photophobia. I can't stand bright lights. The sun physically hurts my eyes. The lamps above pool tables cause me pain while I'm shooting pool.
It's unfortunate, but my medicines kind of make me a vampire.
Muah hahaha.

What else?
Nothing much.


Goodnight. Self. And Insomnia. And you...person reading this who doesn't exist.