Vulnerable for the first time.

I have been documenting my hospital stays the last few times I've been in.
I do this because I'm taught to hide the inner workings of the medical experience from people I love. I'm told it's better this way. People don't want to know how I get better, they just want me to be better.
Well let me tell you, it's not like I go to the hospital, am magically healed by a wand, and sent on my merry, healthy way. It is a long, arduous journey. One that is beset on all sides by torturous and sometimes medieval forms of treatment, a bureaucratic hierarchy of doctors and money-makers, a facade of quality of care being a priority, and a million other obstacles.

I feel like SHIT, I look like SHIT, and I'm going through HELL. There is no magical cure, this is my life with chronic illness.
Look at me.

Dealing with things of a dire nature.

I think...from my own experiences and the conversations I've had with other terminally ill people...that I have a different view on life/death than others who are not ill.
I don't care what happens to my body after I die...cut it up, eat it, burn it, shit on it, fuck it, do whatever you'd like. It's no matter to me.
I don't fear death, I accept it, I've experienced it, I live it everyday. I have chosen not to be afraid because it's a completely wasteful emotion.
I avoid funerals, because when I go, I don't get sad. I don't cry when I hear of people I loved dying. I don't shed tears during the wrenching ceremonies. Death to me is, just a fact. It just is.
Consequently, when I do attend funeral services, I stay as far away from the crowds as possible, embarrassed by my lack of emotion.

Last night we watched, as a house, a few live autopsy videos, and controversy ensued.
Disrespect, they cried.
Disgusting, was inferred.
I was intrigued and got very very upset with the argument and had to remove myself from it. Who the fuck cares? It's a body, not a person anymore. In the same way a fetus isn't human until it's alive, nor is a human AFTER it's alive.
It's just a body. What the hell do I care what happens to it?