fuck

I'm feeling terrible.
just horrible.

My best friend Emily is in town for just two days. It makes me sad that I can't see Ryan during these two days, because they don't get along.

She and Ben are going out to dinner for a few hours. I tried to ask Ryan if he wanted to meet up to see each other while they were out. He acts like I'm just bored without her around, and I'm just trying to occupy my time until she gets back so I ask him to hang out.
When really...really...really, I just want him to love me. I just want him to show his affection and want to be around me. He doesn't want to be around me.
It's all or nothing with him. Either I fucking spend ALL OF MY TIME WITH HIM, or else I don't spend any time with him. If I have 3 hours when we can hang out, that's not good enough.

It sucks so bad. I really really really want him to come over here...but not really in the same breath because I know that he'll just act nonchalant and not touch me and act like I don't matter to him and play fucking games. I don't want to play games anymore.
I'm so sick of having to lie to have some imaginary upper hand in the this weird fucking relationship.

He's told me he never will break up with his girlfriend, he'll never leave columbia, there is no chance for us to build our own story, only the chance (one in a million) for me to impose myself onto his already written life.
This is going nowhere. what the fuck is my problem. what the fuck is my deal.
Why the fuck am I putting myself through this.

I know what I could do to change it. I could pretend like I don't love him anymore. I could play games and pretend like I don't care that he never wants to touch me, that we only have sex maybe once a week, instead of every day, and that when we are intimate, it's to a fucking movie and he's watching it instead of me.

I could pretend that I don't cherish our time together. I could throw a childish fit about his girlfriend. i could play games...but I don't WANT TO.
i DON'T WANT TO
I don't want to don't want to don't want to .
fuck

Alls well that...begins...ends...shit.

Today...day three in the hospital, was uneventful to say the most.
I sat in the chair for almost 8 hours straight. Watching extreme makeover home edition and Inuyasha. Hahaha.
I did find something interesting out, though.
There is another young woman in her 20's waiting for her second transplant, just a couple of rooms down from me.
She's been in the hospital for 5 months straight, since december.
She's depressed and has no interest in meeting me.
I understand...but find it unfortunate. It's so rare to meet other people my age going through a transplant at all, let alone their second one.
I know what it's like to be so sick that you don't want to see anyone anymore. She probably feels like she'll never get out of this hospital. It's like my feelings about columbia but magnified a thousand times. I was that sick the first time I needed a transplant, when I was 11.
I sometimes feel guilty for not being that sick now.

But I am not. And she is, and that sucks that she won't meet me. I know I could say something, anything, that could make her feel not so alone, or lonely.


I hope I can go home tomorrow.

<3 <3 <3

Here today, here tomorrow.

I think...I will delete the negative posts about Ryan and I off of here. I feel...a bit guilty for posting my relationship problems for everyone to read about. It's not cool that I'm sharing personal information about another person with...well who know's who.
So...that aside, I feel that it's okay to speak about positive occurrences, because that's bragging, not berating. That's for my journal.

Anyway, here I am, night number two. Fuck I'm tired. During the day I sat around in the recliner, on the internet. Nothing of great importance happened after the xray this morning. They think I have some kind of virus. I hope it's not the one from the diva haus of doom. But oh well, I did all that I could, wearing a mask and eating off my own dishes. Sheesh.

Around noon, I was bored so I went to the nurses station. See...I'm still a bit used to the children's hospital. There, when I was bored I could go sit at the nurses station and gossip with the ladies, and sometimes even hear stories from the doctors about crazy illnesses and eat candy that they had stashed.
I approached the nurses station here at the adult hospital...cautiously. The moment someone saw me, they hurriedly asked what I needed. "Oh, nothing, just bored" she looked at me for a moment, then shrugged and looked back to her book.
A few more moments passed...
"whatcha reading?" I pointed at her book.
"Bible..." she said, closing the book so I could see the front.
"Ah haaaa..." I backed away.
Then I went back to my room.

Ryan got here at about 4:30 and it was wonderful to see him. I was going crazy with boredom!
He had just eaten but I needed to go do something, so I dared approach the nurses station once more, this time with Ryan in tow, to ask for permission to go to the cafeteria.

"oh, noooo. We can't let you leave the floor. The monitor doesn't pick up anywhere else"

A major difference between the adult and children's hospital...is the willingness to bend rules. Nurses brought me nail polish and cookies, or sneaked some soda from their lunch breaks to me. They gossiped about their lives and listened to me talk about mine. They were like nannies or really cool older sisters. Here...they're so strict. Following the book like zombies. Pro-to-col, pro-to-col. Everyone has a stick up their asses.

"oh, well...I won't tell anyone...I promise." I looked very sadly at the row of nurses sitting at an equally rigid row of computers.

"I'll be fast, too..." I promised with a smile.

AND TO MY UTTER AMAZEMENT...they looked around and said:
"Well...I guess if he's going with you. But you can't tell anyone that we let you go! And hurry back so we know you're safe!"

Hahahhaaaaaaaaaa! With an "Oh my gosh, I love you all!", I escaped to the elevators before they could change their minds.

When we got back to the floor, I leaned over the nurses station and said "I'm not back!!!"
"Rigggghhhht...because you never left!" They looked at me and smiled.


Ah...maybe there's hope for this place afterall.


Ryan stayed in my room the rest of the evening, and we played some rather hilarious games of rock paper scissors (though he can never seem to understand why rock beats scissors, he thinks its a draw). We played "name a country that starts with..." through the entire alphabet and had oodles of fun trying to think of an "O" and a "Y".
I could tell his back was feeling bad after all the driving over the last couple days.
I seriously love him so freakin much.

To whom it may concern...

I am in the trenches (hospital) right now.
It's morning and I'm eating a banana. Yay.

I'm in here because my home nurse thought I had fluid in my lungs and my heart rate/rhythm was off. I think I'm fine. I feel okay. But it's better safe than sorry in these situations. You know? I'll probably be here until Tuesday.

I'm always dumbfounded by the apparent lack of giving a shit in this place. I must say, that the actual people have by far been nicer than any visit before. However, the root issues still remain the same.
How can I get better (if i were sick) when no one will let me rest or sleep?

I got here at 9 o'clock at night. The first thing after getting settled in was a blood draw. By a student. This wouldn't be a problem if I had flowing veins of glory, but alas I do not. I have stagnant veins of sludgy hatred. It pissed me off because it took almost an hour!! Didn't they realize it was 11 at night? Luckily Ryan was there. He looked me in the eye from the chair in the corner of the room. He was holding my gaze and gesturing for me to breathe and calm down.

I didn't fall asleep until 3 after all the blood draws and admitting hoopla.

330AM:: Wake up, your potassium was low in those blood tests. Take these giant pills!!!

4AM:::
Loud bang at the door and multiple "Ms. Coooook?" They flipped on all the lights in the room (which I'll never understand) and did an EKG. Little stickers all over my chest, cold, hold still. Sleepily and annoyed I asked why they had to do this so early in the morning. "It's just what we do". End of discussion!

6AM:: Wake up and meet your new nurse for the day. Pretend to give a shit that you have a new nurse. Whatever.

630AM:
Wake up!!! More potassium pills!!!

7AM::
HOUSEKEEPING!!! Proceed to make loud noises as you shake the EMPTY trash bags from their encases. Then hum while you mop the clean floor and spray smelly cleaner on the clean counter.

8AM: Food service! Here's a bunch of shit you can't eat since we didn't bother asking you what you'd like!

830AM:
Come on lets take a ride to the Xray land. hahaha. I'm just going to get out of bed now.

The food service lady came back a few minutes ago and wanted to know what I want for lunch: Roast beef or turkey?
I explained that I'm vegan and she said "well, we have a delicious turkey salad"...it went like this for a while until I eventually asked for her to just bring me some fruit and tea.

hahaha.

I'm not too bitter. Hahaha.

It's okay, there are bright sides to being here. People give me stuff if I push a button. I get my own room with a good view. I have cable and the internet. I'm not very sick, so I'm not puking or anything. And I'm not at home to catch the nasty stomach flu that's being passed amongst roommates!

And Ryan...shows me he loves me by being dedicated to my health even at the expense of his. I know how much it hurts his back to sit in the car for 2 hours (and 2 hours back) to the hospital. I know he really wanted to go to the Harley event today, and that he's giving it up to come be with me.
I could be mad that he left last night, and will leave tonight, to get home before his girlfriend gets suspicious...but I'm not. I'm appreciative of what he can give me, and what he does do for me.
I love that guy.

Wantonly... yep.

I was...
Terribly worried for no reason.

I was nervous and woke up 2 hours early to get ready to leave for St.Louis to meet his friend.
I got ready in about 40 minutes, and spent the remainder of the time pacing and looking in the mirror a million times.
He got to my house a bit late, and it was raining. He hugged me and was in a cheerful mood.

When we finally got to the house, I was struck by the beauty of it.
(His friend is an architect, and was in town for an architect school reunion, he was staying with his other architect friend, who's house we were at).
It was a private drive up through a beautiful natural prairie, to a large house with many windows. There was a walking bridge over a beautiful creek leading to the front door, and beautiful tropical plants everywhere.

Before we got to the door, the owner of the house came out and said "Who is this beautiful woman you've brought with you!?" and came up to me and took my hand in both of his and said it was a pleasure to meet me. That was the owner of the house.
His friend came out next, and was equally happy to meet me, he seemed very at ease and completely genuine.

Once inside I went on a tour. It was gorgeous. There were floor to ceiling walls throughout the house and natural light came in through the huge skylights and vaulted ceilings. The back deck was ginormous and overlooked the river. It was like you were on a cliff, but it was the patio. The kitchen was huge. Then there's the greenhouse and garden. This man is in his late 60's and he has hobbies like cross-pollinating plants, collecting and caring for orchids, growing his own vegetables and limes in an orchard, doing semi-professional photography, making his own alcohol for (absolutely delicious) margarita's, and harvesting his own honey from the bee colony he keeps in his yard. Yup. Pretty awesome person.

The friend we were there to see was really funny and nice. He asked polite questions but nothing that was implying anything negative, like I had worried about. The first thing we did was go to the mall because the man's wife needed to get some gifts and luggage for people back in India. At the mall it was a bit like a sitcom.
The menfolk walked around behind us carrying things that the wife had picked out. They made jokes about how they don't understand shopping, and she and I made jokes about how men are all the same...hahaha. It was cheesy and stereotypical and fantastic!
Eventually we got to the jewelry at which point the men left to look at the "men's section" in macy's. That's when I came to know the woman a bit more. She's funny and kind. We were trying on earrings when they came back.
"You want that, I'll buy it for you" the man offered as I was taking off some (quite distasteful) earrings. "Oh no," I refused several times until he just put his hand up and said "I'm in a spending mood today, you don't say no to Indians, its just the way we are". So I said okay...but secretly wished he'd seen me trying on some earrings I'll actually wear.

We went back to the house, ate Indian food for lunch...and before the day was through I'd learned wonderful things about his and ryan's relationship. They act in much the same way. Same social graces and such.
Interesting.

Anyway, I got some cuttings from the home owner's rare tropical house plants and I'm very excited about that. Also, the recipe for jalapeno tequila.

At night we all went to a Greek restaurant and ate and talked. When it was time to go, the friend and wife hugged me and kissed my cheeks.


They liked me after all.

Wonderful!



On a side note, my partner was extra feisty tonight. He tried to start a totally unnecessary argument about Jew's being the cause of all the world's problems.
He doesn't believe this, of course, he was just saying it to get a rise out of me.
I didn't let it work. I mean, it pissed me off, but I could see through his attempts.
He did this all night. He kept calling the hobbits "fucking midgets" and "retarded" during lord of the rings.
It's like what I used to do when I was 14 to make people mad in class. Taunt them.
"Oh, suzie christian (random name), I fucked jesus and had an abortion from it!"
That kind of stuff.

What an immature thing to do. Not to mention annoying. But for some reason I see it, and recognize it, and I accept it.
Not what he was saying, but what he was doing. Trying to get attention from me. I'm not the only one who's fucked up about attention.
Silly boy.

On the up and up...but you know what that means...

Last night, though a bit tumultuous and cautious...He and I didn't fight. We'd been doing well for a few days (see below) but then Friday and Saturday we got into it pretty frequently/exhaustively. His friend is in St.Louis from the middle east for about a week and he planned to go up there today to see/spend time with him.

Last night, when he was about to leave, he said he'd like me to go with him to meet his friend.

That's really awesome, because I cannot meet any of his really close (childhood/school) friends or family because of his girlfriend. Though, this particular person is "in the know". He say's it's okay because this man is "a cool guy" meaning, I assume, that he won't judge him for his decision to date me on the side.
What he doesn't understand is that this man will most likely judge me.
And therein lies my predicament this morning.
I am excited to be invited into this part of him I've never experienced...but anxious at the same time, about how to act around a man and his wife in their early 40's from the middle east.
Will they be freaked out by my piercings and tattoos? Will they wonder why the hell he is with an alternative looking 22 year old? Will they wonder if I'm only with him for money, or something like that?
Will they ask about his girlfriend?

I know for sure that I'll be keeping my mouth shut and only speak when someone asks me something. Because this is all very confusing for me.

Like last week when we were at the bar and his neighborhood friends came up. When he introduced me they said hello, but then they exchanged glances and ignored me for the most part after that.
They looked disgusted any time I tried to speak and they definitely didn't say goodbye or nice to meet you when they got up to leave.

I don't know why I care what these people think...I guess because it solidifies/exacerbates what guilt I already feel for being a mistress of sorts.
I need their approval in order to not judge myself too harshly.

Or I thought I did...but now we'll see.
He loves me and wants me to meet his friends. I am a good person and I love him and care about him...if his friend can overlook that in order to pass judgment on me, then fuck him.

Sighhhhhhhhhsigh sigh.

I feel...
Failure.
Just utter and total failure.
At life, at relationships, at communication, and neediness and love and pool.
At everything.

Tonight Ryan and I got into an argument because of the sex thing...or lack thereof.
I tried calmly and politely bringing it up to him. He got really mad and said that there's just a lot on his mind lately.
"If you want me to just get an erection and fuck you, fine I can do that, but I like for my mind to be into it."
Okay... "That's good, I'm glad to hear you finally acknowledge it. You haven't talked about this at all to me. I awkwardly try to have sex with you and end up feeling like a fumbling fool when you turn me down without any explanation at all!"
Then he said "I just thought you understood what I was going through. You say you understand what's going on with my health, but then shit like this comes up..."

And I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for the natural way my brain works. I wish I wasn't so insecure, I really really really really really do. It would make my life sooooo much easier. But for now, that's not the case...so I tell Ryan what I need from him, and he shoots down the suggestion.

"I'm not going to make a fucking speech anytime I don't feel like having sex"
When I asked him to maybe say something like "I'm just not in the mood tonight, it's not you." Or something to that effect, anything.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK.

I feel broken, dysfunctional, unfit, raw, incompetent, inept. Blah.

I am trying not to judge myself unfairly...but it's really hard when it seems like if I could just grow up, mature, and become chill and relaxed with myself and everything around me, then it would all be okay. It's hard not to judge myself when my partner makes it seem like everything that is a problem in our relationship is because of the way I handle things. My attitude, my speaking without thinking.
I mean, yes...he does equate a lot of what's going on to his new disability and says that initially makes him cranky...but that it's exacerbated by my dealing with it. It's made worse by the way I constantly nag (his word) him to talk about his feelings...like some comic strip/sitcom joke about stereotypical women...always talking when they're not invited to.
He says it's made worse by my harassing (his word) him and putting pressure on him if I bring up something that bothers me.

So I come, naturally I believe, to the conclusions that I should keep quiet, lest I ruin the calmness of the water between us.
If he's snippy with me or says something mean...it's just his disability and if I actually understand and support him, I'll just take it with a grain of salt and not point out that he's being rude.
I can never express any kind of dissatisfaction with the way things are handled/going in our relationship because that puts too much extra pressure on him.


I feel sometimes...and this will sound really bad...like this is a contest to see who can hold out the longest. We are proving to each other what we're willing to take from the other person (I:E What things the other person does that bothers us or that we don't like) before we can't take it anymore. Whoever talks about what's wrong first, loses!!! Whoever takes it in silence without talking about anything, ever...wins! So I always lose, and he always wins...and that's where more manipulation on my part comes in.

We were at the store and he was mad at me for something, so he was walking faster than me, ignoring me, mumbling when he did decide to speak to me. I just decided to act the same way...not smiling, speaking monotonously, acting bored and sad.
He called me out immediately asking why I was being pissy and telling me that my attitude only made his anger/annoyance worse.
Woo hoo.

Shit...I should have kept my mouth shut tonight about the sex thing. I should have gone on wondering why he never wants to touch me, I should have just taken that as the new way our relationship is, instead of "thinking about the past so much" like Ryan responded.
I should have kept my mouth shut because now, in addition to thinking about being attractive, dreading being shot down if I initiate intimacy, and having aching for physical touch from him...I also now have to wonder if when we do have sex, he's just doing it even if his minds not in the right place. I have to worry that I've pressured him to just "get an erection and fuck" me.
YAY!!!!!


sheesh.

I'm a mess of a machine

I think...I'm a complicated person. I might be impossible to please. Maybe.
I know that I need affection from Ryan more than he's willing to give me (anymore). I also know that I used to have a partner who smothered me with physical affection and was always needing hugs and shit (probably how I come across to Ryan) and it made me loathe him. I actually grew to resent physical contact with him because he wanted it so much I felt obligated, not invited.
Also, I have certain people that I hate touching, and certain times I don't like to be touched. Surprisingly enough, I hate physical contact from almost anyone, ever. Truth be told I hate hugs, and I hate it even more when they awkwardly last longer than I want them to. I also hate handshakes and random brushes with strangers in the elevator (or wherever). That makes me sound mean...but it's just my personal space that feels invaded at certain times.
I don't know.
That's why it's tricky. I don't know why I want so much mushy physical intimacy with Ryan...although I do suspect that my need/want for it is part of the reason I am not getting it, and that's a sticky situation.
I can't help getting fucking annoyed that our sex and touching is based around his advances, or his acceptance of mine.
I can't help getting annoyed that he can't just say "I'm not feeling very physical right now, it's not that I'm not attracted to you (maybe he could even throw in a compliment, ha ha) I'm just feeling like not being touched." Or "Can we just hold hands or can you just lay on my legs, because my neck/back/head/etc doesn't feel well and I can't touch you the way you'd like since it makes it worse?"
Seriously. Maybe that's the main issue for me...like all my problems with Ryan...it's a communication error.
If he would just vocalize what he was thinking, I wouldn't have to fill in the blanks!
He doesn't seem to want to have sex very much lately = He's having sex with his girlfriend I'm ugly I don't please him I'm not as good at head as I thought I was he hates me he wants to break up I'm going to break up with him first I need to get new clothes to look nicer oh my god I'm unattractive I need to lose weight fuuuuuckkk!!!

Simple thoughts become monsters if they live in my mind for a while.

In therapy, I'm working on not agitating situations with Ryan in order to force them to escalate, thereby coercing him to get angry and emotional (which I perceive as intimacy). This is (usually) a subconscious and unintentional occurrence based around my intense fear of abandonment (sounds fancy, huh?).
Sooooo tonight, I asked him to put his hand on me while I was laying on his legs and he rolled his eyes and sighed and jerked his hand towards me like a child being forced to take out the trash. I said "well I wouldn't want you to feel forced or anything!" And he got mad and said "jesus christ" and threw his hands up in defeat (as if to say what do you want?! I'm trying to touch you and now you act like you don't want me to???)
I just sat up and laid on my own pillow. Then he huffed and sat up. I said "what, now you're leaving?"
He said "yeah, it's getting late" in a monotone voice.

Then he got all his stuff together, and was ready to leave, and he came to hug me goodnight like always and I just said bye without a hug.
I guess subconsciously I was thinking "we'll see how he likes it, not getting a hug when he wants one"
But I guess he didn't want one that bad because he said, "oh, okay then". And left angry.

NOW...this is the part I've been talking about it therapy. Don't manipulate the situation and drag it out so he stays and you get into an argument and have a panic attack...
I let him walk out the door and...
Then I got up, tripped over some dishes and ran out the door to catch him before he got to his car.
It was cold, and he said "It's not worth fighting over, so goodnight"
Then I said...
"oh, it's not worth it?" See there, I was trying to fight about something entirely aside from my main point since he wasn't showing interest in arguing about that.
That's fucked up that I do that.
Eventually we just said bye...and that's a good step for me. I let go without going too far. I didn't cry...until he left and I came in here (my room) and started feeling sorry for myself that I am alone and don't get enough physical intimacy, and wah wah wah but as soon as I get it I don't want it and oh man I'm kinda fucked up.

But...
I realize that, and honestly, truly, I am giving a very good effort at trying to change it. Seriously. I don't like being fucked up.

There's something to be said about that.

I am having a pretty positive day/night.
Ryan's friend is in St.Louis for a few days from the United Arab Emirates, so I am trying to practice trust and acceptance instead of worry, jealousy and maybe even attention hogging. Surprisingly, I'm not having any trouble with it. Occasionally a thought will pop into my mind. I'll start to get angry at the thought of him lying to me so he can go to St.Louis and party or something totally unfounded like that...and I just smash it. I don't give it any power by not thinking about it.
It seems to be working. I come at it from a point of:
"I love Ryan, and when you love someone, you want them to be happy and content no matter what that entails (unless it hurts you). Even if that means doing something alone, without you. Or participating in something you don't understand or wouldn't do yourself." Repeating this thought over and over to myself keeps me feeling calm and content.
Also, I think about how my relationships are with my friends. A friend tells me they are going to do something alone and I am happy for them. I don't question why they aren't including me immediately. I don't get (too) jealous if they spend a bit of time with me, and a bit of time with other people. Hahaha. Ryan is one of my best friends, so what the fuck is the difference? Sex? Commitment? I think it's the level of vulnerability...but I don't know for sure. It's a tricky thing, love.
Anyway...ramble ramble.

We've been having a really stable calm couple of days.
And it's so refreshing.
He's on his way home right now, but he said he'll stop by before he goes back to his house.
Yay! I really hope he's secretly told his girlfriend that he's staying in St.Louis, and he'll stay the night with me but I know that's not going to happen because he doesn't like lying any more than he has to. Which is another story entirely...for another time.

Tonight was pool league at Mo River in Millersburg. I was practicing really shitty for the first hour or so. Then I took a two hour break and practiced some on the 9ft tables. I was shooting really well. I was put up against a woman, which always makes me nervous simply because I'm not used to playing other ladies. Also, she's ranked a 4 so she's a pretty good player. That always makes me step up my game and play better. Also, it makes me shaky and nervous.
I had to win 2 and she had to win 3 games. She won the first two, and then I got my head out of my ass and won the third game. The last game (her 3rd, my 2nd) was going really well...I ran 6 out of 7 balls, but then got stuck behind one of her balls and the 8 ball. I thought I could squeeze past them, but I shot really sloppily and didn't take my time.
I knocked the 8 ball in, game(s) over.
I hate losing that way, because it's not legitimate. It's the equivalent of fumbling the ball when you're in the end zone. Or tripping between 3rd base and home on the game point.
Just plain dumb mistake.
It's so frustrating because I dedicate 20+ hours a week to studying and practicing this sport. I spend so much money, too. I understand it takes time to get better but progress is so tedious!!! I'm used to being good immediately at everything I do! I'm used to not having to try very hard and getting what I want (that sounds egotistical...but hey) anyway!

But yeah...i'm getting better. So take it with a grain of salt.


But other than that. Pretty good times.

Buah.

Dream world envelopes girl's waking life.

Last night I had another intense dream. I was an abused child who was kept in an abandoned swimming pool, where the walls were too steep and slippery for me to escape. One day a polar bear appeared and the pool started to fill with water.
We swam and played together. There were very convincing feelings of friendship and love between us.
Because the pool had filled, I was able to leave. I came back to visit everyday after school, where we would swim and wrestle together.
One day, I got to the entrance to the pool and there was a group of young men from my school. Bullies that made fun of me in the classroom.
I ran past them because I already knew what they had done. They wanted to make me miserable. They wanted to take the only good thing in my life away from me.
When I got to the pool it was empty again. There was dark green algae creeping up the walls, and brown sludge in the bottom. The snow covered ground around the pool was splattered with blood, and a definitive dragging trail led to a messy lump laying about 15 ft from the pool.
It was the polar bear.
I often feel really overwhelming emotions in my dreams...but this...was utter despair. I cried hysterically, laying in the snow with blood all over me. Wrapping my arms around something that used to be an animal, that used to be my friend.
I woke up crying, at 3 in the morning, alone, sad. I cried all the way to the bathroom, and tears were still running down my face as I got some water and slumped back to my room. I finally felt a little better and fell back asleep around 4, just in time for the next dream.

In this one, I had some kind of hidden information that this mystic shaman lady needed from me. She invited me into her home, and I followed. It was dimly lit with candles burning, and incense smoke billowing everywhere. I walked behind her into a small room with a claw-foot bathtub that had a metal grill fashioned over it (just bars set across the tub so you couldn't get in it, but had to lay on top of it). She motioned for me to lay down. Once I was settled, she purified me with some kind of smoke. "Close your eyes" she said, and I did. She proceeded to hypnotize me. I was aware of what was going on, but it was like I was possessed, and my actions were not my own. She was talking at my body, but not with me, having a discussion with someone else. I suddenly felt prickly and my back arched violently. A bright light poured out of my mouth into the surrounding room. It was blinding and slightly blue. The woman sat still for a while, then clapped.
That's when I woke up this morning. I looked up the animal symbolism of a polar bear. It means the ability to navigate along the earth’s magnetic lines , introspection, ability to find sustenance in barren landscapes, purity of spirit, strength in the face of adversity, solitude, finding ones way back from the brink, communication with Spirit, dreams, death and rebirth, transformation, creature of dreams, shamans, mystics and visionaries, defense and revenge.


A bit shaken from the nights events.
And still with a looming feeling of sorrow and mourning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...you have really nice tits.

Tonight is Cinco De Mayo. And while I don't really know why I'm celebrating it, I went out tonight with Ryan. It was really nice. We had a good time and it was good to get out of the house for a while. The only downside was when a couple came from his neighborhood and said something about his new car "because your girlfriend couldn't be driving that mustang so why is it in the driveway?" It made me feel uncomfortable because when I asked him if they knew about Kelly, he said "yeah, but it doesn't matter" Like he'd introduced them to other ladies and they didn't care.
Oh, okay. So I'm just another skank you're fucking behind your girlfriend's back? That made me feel bad, but they didn't stay long and I chose not to let it ruin my night and to instead, bring it up later. Tomorrow or soon thereafter.

Other than that, there was a guy at the bar who is Ryan's friend. Ryan says this man is "racist, but still a good guy." I disagree with that statement. I was talking and the man said "yeah, yeah yeah...you have really nice tits." Now what the fuck was I supposed to say to that? Ryan just laughed so I felt no other option but to laugh. I didn't want to ruin the happy fun mood by getting angry at a "compliment".
It was annoying.

However weird/awkward the night was, between Ryan and I it was positive. We left the bar at 10 PM and went to Hy-Vee for some food. He pushed me around in one of those kid buggies, that look like a fire truck. Some lady said "you need to get out of there right now!" she was old and bitter. Then some guy who was stocking said "that's against store policy" But he never stopped stocking or laughing, so we didn't take it seriously.
Hahaha that was awesome tonight.

A step back for a moment.

POSITIVITY!!!
(Mostly)
Ryan showed his love for me today by accompanying me to St.Louis to sit with me for 4 hours while I got my monthly chemo treatment. It means a lot to me when he shows his affection and care for me like this. It's a big deal because his back pain is made worse by staying in one place for too long (like in the car, waiting room, hospital room). After everything that's happened this past two weeks, I can say that it's really nice to have his support when it matters most.
Not to mention the money it saves me when he drives and won't take money for gas.
When we got back to town he bought me a skillet, bowl, and plate so I don't have to use the community dishes (my immune system being weak, and I'm worried about getting sick).
Sometimes I feel really stupid for complaining so much.
I feel guilty for not just taking it more lightly or relaxing and not letting things bother me so much. Guilty for expecting too much out of people, and setting myself up to get disappointed instead of taking things for what they are so I can appreciate the good parts of life instead of hating the bad parts.
Just a thought.


In the meantime though... for fucks sake I want an apartment/house of my own. I am so fucking tired of living with 8 other people (and guests constantly...the house is usually never occupied by less than 10 people)! Even though I know I would get bored by myself, I really would rather live alone than in a community house anymore.

Buah.

I feel okay after treatment, except a bit of a headache and some extra swelling (water weight) on my hands and abdomen. That's easy to take care of, though.

So goodnight, positivity and appreciation.
I'm glad you decided to visit...don't stay away so long next time.

<3 Luci