Lost in a sea of everything and nothing.

From APRIL 14TH 2004...age 15.

I wanna go home. I hate it here. If there is a such thing as hell I DO imagine that this is it. I dont like falling asleep to the screams of babys in pain, nor the sound of shit beeping in my ear...I havent eaten in 6 days...havent sat up in a few either. My back is going to fall off. Yes, yes it is. I think you forget what pain is after not having a visit from it in a while.

I want it to be over.

pain is hard to ignore. And its like a dungeon here. The blinds are closed...I am like in the ghetto part of the hospital. At least in intensive care, they tried to make my life worth living. I beeped for like, an hour last night before someone came to help. I am not going to lie...I feel like the doctors dont know what they are doing. I feel more and more like this life is a big joke. Whoever makes the most money. There are a few awesome people here though, who make a difference, because if i had to be here all the time I would shoot myself. But on a lighter note...aggg..there is no lighter note. See ya later.






I think I have intimacy problems. I need a lot of it, but I don't know how to get it. I try to have sex even if I don't really feel like it because it makes me feel close to him. I try to instigate arguments (whether unintentional or not) so he stays longer, so he fights with me and proves his love by getting upset. I confuse intensity with intimacy and it's making me a hollowed out, sad sad version of myself.
I have an appointment on monday to get another prescription for pain meds. My headaches and panic are a constant these days. What's wrong with me?