Sooo...
Yesterday I went for my re-evaluation after having my last infection in March. During this appointment, I meet with my cardiology team and my infectious disease team. We discuss how I'm doing, and general plans for the future.
During the cardiology meeting, my heart doctor and I discussed the risks/benefits of continuing on the IV medicine I get on a regular basis.
If I stay on the medicine, I will stay as a status 1b on the list. But I will also have to deal with the increased risk of infections, the bulged discs from the extra weight it puts on my spinal cord, and an inherent lack of ability to wear a dress, go swimming, take a bath, or have sex without being worried about pulling a one-inch needle from the depths of my ribcage.
The cons of coming off the medicine are that I would go down to a status 2 on the list, and my heart function could decrease, this would potentially mean a very extended waiting time, as people listed as 2's rarely get hearts. They really only give hearts to status 1's, a and b. What, I asked my cardiologist, would be an instance of a status 2 getting a heart before a 1a or 1b?
Simple, this person would be smaller than me.
Weigh less than me.
Be skinnier than me.
Because the hearts that are offered to adults are adult-sized, they go down the ranks to the sickest people. But if a small-adult sized heart couldn't be given to a child in the area, and all the adults on the 1a and 1b lists were too large for a small heart, it would trickle down into the status 2 people, who were small enough for the heart.
So...not only would I get a heart, but it would be younger, healthier?
I already have body image issues, and giving me an excuse to lose weight isn't a very positive suggestion.
Me and Ryan broke up. Well, I broke up with him. He told me he broke up with his girlfriend, and I was livid. We discussed nothing about our futures, he just assumed I still felt the way I did a year ago! I told him I wasn't happy with our relationship, told him I want more, different, better.
He accepted it at first, and then the next day bombarded me with texts about how sorry he was, and please give him another chance, and he promised he would be the "partner you deserve, and who deserves your love". I gave him another chance, and after some talks, it really did seem like he was going to change.
Sure, he hasn't called me an idiot yet, or told me to shut the fuck up, and he's been better about complimenting me.
But he also hasn't surprised me with a date, or done anything romantic, or schedule a meeting with my roommates (who kicked him out of the house, and won't let him back until he talks with them), or been very interested in anything I suggest we do together. He hasn't taken the initiative to plan anything special, do anything thoughtful, or "be more spontaneous and carefree" as he put it.
I mean, I noticed that he's more relaxed around his friends, laughs a bit more, and even has taken some drags off a cigarette once or twice, but they seem like desperate attempts at something he's not really into. And they haven't included me at all.
Seriously, either commit to changing, step outside your comfort zone and do it, or don't fucking offer to change in the first place. I don't see what the fuck is so hard about that.
Grrr.
At the zoo (I always go after St.Louis doctor's appointments). A man acted like he was going to throw his 4 year old son into the grizzly bear pit. And when the kid screamed and cried, his dad just said "Quit being a wimp, dude. You're acting like a little girl."
And THEN...at league last night, a few people noticed that I had gone up to a 78 rank, which is 6th highest out of 48 people (woo hoo), they laughed at me! "How did you get that high?" How about hard work you fucking douche bags? How about 20 hours of pool a week (at least!) for the last 2 years? Eh?
One guy called me a "greedy little girl" for it.
Then I felt like shit and lost the match, and I just KNOW he was thinking "haha, showed her who's boss!"
If I boast about my achievements, or take pride in my accomplishments, or accept compliments with anything but the humblest disregard, then I'm considered a stuck up bitch! I'm considered egotistical, I'm considered rude, full of herself, conceited.
If I said those things as a man, I'd be doing what was expected of me.
But because I'm a woman, I'm supposed to be a fucking wall decal? I'm supposed to bow and say sorry I won? I'm supposed to lie when people ask me how I'm doing in the league and say "I don't know how, but somehow I've gone up to 6th place! I'm totally clueless, hee hee" and twist my hair?
Well, fuck that shit.
Fuck all the shit in this post.
