ERGHHHH!!!!
I hate waking up in a perfectly fine mood only to have it smashed to bits by some insensitive fuckwad.
I CANNOT LEAVE COLUMBIA!! I cannot be more than 2 fucking hours from st.louis. For 2 grueling years its been this way. I have to watch passively my friends moving and exploring and having adventures while I rot away in this shitty town. Do you think I want to be here? Living in a house with 8 people? I have ONE ROOM to call my own, and its bulging with my containment. Do you think I want to be here, desperately trying to find things to occupy my time? Fighting constantly with my partner because he's the only one who ever hears this crap and it wears him out?
So when you send me stupid messages and annoying comments like "you would love this wonderful awesome place I am at, why don't you come visit?" or "Come see me!" or any other insensitive ramblings like that, it makes me feel like you aren't really my friend. Have you ACTUALLY forgotten that I am waiting for a heart transplant? Have you ACTUALLY forgotten that I can't leave this place? Have you ACTUALLY forgotten that I am dying and you aren't making it any easier by teasing me with all the wonderful things I may very well never experience?

It pisses me off when you talk about how awful your life is because you can't decide what to do given the volume of your options. Cry me a fucking river.
It pisses me off when you tell me you're going to do a health study where they inject you with TYPHOID FEVER. You are perfectly healthy and you're just throwing it away for what? $4000 dollars? Here's an idea...get a job you asshole. At least you can get a job and support yourself. You don't even understand how degrading it is to get $500 dollars a month from the government and not be able to work to support yourself.
It isn't fair that I have the will and drive, but lack the ability, and fools like you have all the ability in the world and you're pissing it away. You're pissing on me and laughing in my face.


Not that I want to tell anyone how to live their lives. Or how to treat their own bodies...just that it's so frustrating.
So frustrating.
So frustrating sometimes to think I have this strong support system, to think I might have made good enough friends over the years that they can respect me a little bit. By not making insensitive commments that prove just how normalized my illness has become to them.
I know, though, that when the call comes for me to come lay on the hard cold steel table and have my HEART SURGICALLY REMOVED AND REPLACED WITH THAT OF A CORPSE, my friends will come and see me, and shmooze, but ultimately I will deal with it alone because that's my curse i suppose.

Or maybe my friends will step up and suprise me, being jarred by the reality of the situation once I'm on the operating table.
MEh.

Blogs..
For complaining.
wah wah wah. Woe is me. I am sad. Wah.
My life is so bad. Meh meh meh.
Poppycock.
blah.
blah
blah.

Sometimes I feel like my emotions are going to break me.
I hope not, though. Because I have places like this to share my frustrations.

Yep.