Today is...interesting. I've been doing a lot of the things I used to do now that my partner is out of town for two months. I've been going out at night with my friends who have work and school during the days...which means I haven't seen them at all for almost 6 months.
I know it isn't his fault that I never go out. I am just scared to tell him I want to do stuff on my own. I don't want him to think I don't want to spend time with him and then pull away from me because he thinks that's what I'm doing. I also know his past (and present) history of cheating. He's told me all about his escapades at his favorite bar. Following girls into their cars to fondle them, going home with waitresses after hours and hooking up with other strangers there.
Not to mention all the times he's told me about hooking up with his old co-workers. At least one person at every store he owned- which is 35 over the course of 6 years. On top of that all, he's cheating on his current girlfriend with me. So that makes me feel cheap, and automatically weary of his intentions.
So bottom line is that I fear if I go out, and am not constantly around to keep an eye on him- he'll take that opportunity to flirt and schmooze, and generally just be himself. And that's scary to me. Because I don't want to be like his ignorant girlfriend. I dread the thought of someone I love abusing my trust so completely and being totally unaware of the entire thing.
Not to mention that if he sleeps with someone and gets an STI, I could get it. And STI's with a compromised immune system are scary scary dangerous life threatening...
It is very nice to have time with my friends, though.
In terms of my health...eh. Physically I'm pretty okay, besides the holster monitor they've put me on in lieu (because of my persistent refusal) of an internal or external defibrillator. It gives me horrible rashes and scabs underneath the electrodes. I'm actually not wearing it right now...taking a break for a while.
Mentally I'm in a weird place, I can't really describe that. I'm trying very hard to break out of patterns that cause me to feel unhappy. Thought patterns, behavior patterns. It is very difficult and I find that I'm still pretty ambivalent to everything. There are awesome things going on around me, but all I can think about is the future. All I can think about is what I wish I was doing, or how it would be different if I was at this or that point in my life. It's a problem that needs to be dealt with, but in the meantime it really makes for a bland outlook on everything. I feel just kind of "BLAH" most of the time. Numb? That's as close as I can come to accurately describe it.
I joined a band and I'm screaming again. That is really helping release some energy and negativity. Also, I have a show coming up with my acoustic set, which is now only covers. Hahaha. That's exciting and keeps me busy. I had some car trouble and computer trouble which set me back $1100. So I haven't been playing much pool lately, even though it's still a passion of mine, and I would love nothing more than to be able to become a professional at it. I wish I had a money fountain.
There's lots more. But that's all for now. Goodnight!
