It's 5 minutes until my 25th birthday and I just had one of the biggest most intense panic attacks of my entire life.
My parents and I aren't talking. Or my brother and sister. My other sister just got kicked out of my mom's house, where I am living, so I live alone now, and I have a dead girl's heart keeping me alive. I feel pretty lonely and anxious when I think about my birthday tomorrow.
Because of all of the above, my partner is kind of the only person other than my friends who I can count on to make my birthday a special awesome day. He says he plans on taking me to dinner and baking me a cake...but dinner isn't until 6:30pm and when I asked him if we could do stuff during the day, he accused me of being unappreciative and said that nothing is ever good enough for me.
Is that true? Maybe. Maybe I am some ungrateful fucking bitch who can't just appreciate what's given to her.
And now I feel like a total ass because we got in a huge fight and I had a giant panic attack, rolling on the floor, screaming and crying and hyperventilating, and now my birthday is going to be this stressful thing where He feels so much pressure to make it an enjoyable day for me that we both just have no fun at all, and he isn't even going to WANT to make me feel good. He is just going to do it because I nagged him about it. I feel like I ruin everything. I feel like nothing I do comes out right, I feel really crappy and anxious and I feel like my birthday is 2 minutes away but I just can't wait for it to be over already.
I ruin everything. Happy fucking birthday to me. What a great way to turn 25.
