From diary: December 2004...15 YEARS OLD:
""Do you really want to know why I am so fucking mental right now? Because it really is all my fault. If I would have stayed with Josh instead of giving up on him, he wouldn't be so fucked up on drugs trying to make his life better. If I hadn't met Michelle, she would still be going to church, not with peter, not cutting. Tess would be here, where she belongs intstead of doing drugs in Fairgrove, if I hadn't told her to fuck her parents and start doing drugs with me...now she tells me she snorted "the best goddamn cocaine" last night because she thinks it will make me love her the way she wants me to. I want to die sometimes, you know...just die.""
I got the prescription today. Not the prescription I wanted, but one that will work nonetheless. Because how do I tell my doctor that I've built up a tolerance to these medications so much that a normal dose does little to effect me these days? Is 20 pills enough...well, yes, hypothetically. Nothing much I can do...because I can't tell her it's for panic and emotional pain, not physical pain. I can't tell her that it makes me not care, and I need more than 20 pills.
My baby sister surprised me today, coming into my room at about 11 this morning. It was such a wonderful beginning to my day! She's 20 years old, and we're very close. She's thinking about moving here, in which case I can get the fuck out of this stupid house.
I'm happy she's here because I get to spend time with her. Time I didn't take advantage of when we were in high school, but now miss dearly.
That's how it goes I suppose...
Tonight there was something happening across the street from my house. There was a group of people walking, and a cop stopped and said something out his window at them. I don't know what was said, but the cop parked his car on the street and got out and started yelling at the people. Then he grabbed one of them and made him put his hands on the hood. The rest of the people started crowding around the cop, and he freaked out and pulled out his pepper spray, then he called for backup. He turned back to the guy on the hood and slammed his head down twice into the car. The people started screaming at him and just as that happened, 5 (yes...FIVE) other cop cars pulled up and one guy came running (quite over-zealously if I may interject)at the group with his fucking taser pointed at them all. Well they cuffed the man and put him in the car and proceeded to fuck with the group of people.
During this time I made comments like "what the fuck!? Why is he pulling out his taser? Those people didn't even do anything" And my partner got very angry and said "What the hell do you know? You don't know if those people did something! You just think automatically that the cops are wrong!"
Well, yeah...one goes by one's experiences. And the fucking obvious display in front of us!
I said "Yeah, well no matter what he did, there doesn't need to be a cop hitting his face into the hood of the car. There doesn't need to be excessive force, this much backup, or fucking tasers. Tasers can kill people!"
Then he said "Shut the fuck up."
See...he's been saying this a whole lot lately. It was okay at first, because we give each other shit all the time, I call him dumbass, or idiot, and he calls me a jackass. Whatever, that's fine. I like joking like that...it's followed by a laugh or a kiss, or something to acknowledge it's just mutual shit-giving. But not recently. He's been saying shut the fuck up seriously. When I am talking, or when I am disagreeing with him, like here. Well I got mad.
"Don't fucking tell me to shut up!" He then pointed his finger really close to my face and said "You don't even fucking know what's going on! You just think you know everything." I slapped his hand away and said "Don't point your finger at me, and don't tell me to shut the fuck up. It's mean and it hurts my feelings. Show some respect." This was all in front of my sister, and at that point she went outside to get a closer look at what was going on outside.
"Just because you disagree with someone doesn't mean you can tell them to shut up." I said to him. "Well you shouldn't give me so much attitude."
"I AM NOT YOUR CHILD! I AM YOUR PARTNER! I shouldn't have to worry about the TONE OF VOICE I use when I'm telling you not to tell me to shut the fuck up!"
Then he stood really close to me (he's taller than me so he was looking down on me) and said something I don't remember. I moved away from him and said "are you trying to intimidate me right now? Because I'm not fucking scared of you"
Oh... he didn't know what to say about that. "What the hell are you talking about?"
And he sat down on the couch. I sat down, too.
I tried saying it nicer and calmer, again... "It's just a matter of respect, I would never, ever tell you to shut the fuck up because I love and respect you."
"Yeah, okay" he said facetiously as he nodded excessively and mockingly with a fake exaggerated smile.
"Don't ever tell me to shut the fuck up ever again."
He said "Don't fucking tell me what I can and cannot say" with a very serious angry face.
"DON'T EVER TELL ME TO SHUT THE FUCK UP EVER AGAIN."
Then he said "Shut the fuck up."
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
And what's so upsetting is that tomorrow, when we talk about it again, he'll say that it was just my attitude that made him say that. He'll say it was just the way I act like I know everything, that it's my fault he got angry. And I'll see his side of the story and forget that he's not seeing mine, and then I'll agree to try to change something about myself so that we can communicate better when really, really, the fact is we will never ever communicate effectively because he will never be held accountable for the things he does that are wrong. He will always blame me until eventually I'll just stop having opinions, thoughts, or conversations. Just like the girlfriend he already has.
FUck fuck fuck.
fuck.
That was a really long post. These medicines have the effect of "rambling" on me.
Anyway....the cops let that guy go. Then, (perhaps it was a bit out of line) I said "wow, he didn't do anything!!! Imagine that!!! The cops used excessive force and almost tasered someone that didn't even do anything!!! Cops are so cool and fair!"
hahaha...
Geez.
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