Breathing too fast, not breathing at all.

tonight...

I had 3 or 4 panic attacks.
We were fighting again, like most nights, only tonight was much much worse.
After what happened last night...him just leaving when I wasn't done talking...I wasn't really feeling that happy to see him this afternoon.
I tried to explain to him that it hurt my feelings when he just became completely silent while I was trying to have a conversation with him.
I told him how it makes me feel very squashed, and like I'm just being annoying and talking too much.

Instead of talking like a normal human being to me, he had to start fighting. He told me I was harassing him and that I needed to let it go. I said I couldn't let it go until I got what I needed from the conversation.
Then somehow he got so pissed off that he said he wasn't going to take me to league. That's when I had my first panic attack. I felt out of control of the situation and I felt responsible for ruining his night simply by trying to ask him for something he wasn't giving me.

I freaked out.

When i have panic attacks around him, he doesn't stop the fight. He takes the time when I can't speak because I'm hyperventilating, to say mean shit that makes the attack even worse.
He's never even skipped a beat to ask what he can do to help me calm down. He's never thought "hey, even though we're fighting, I should put my anger on hold to help her calm down". Nothing. And then I start thinking about that and it makes the panic attack even worse. Eghk.

The second attack came when I finally calmed myself down from the first one. Somehow we were fighting again, and he said he suddenly doesn't give a shit about my family, and that he doesn't want to go to visit them this weekend because there's "too much drama surrounding it". Even though this has been the plan for over a week.

I freaked out.

I started uncontrollably breathing very quickly, and I felt silly for behaving like (what I thought was like) a child, and therefore started freaking out more. I felt extremely guilty for ruining "everything" and I couldn't calm down.
I finally had to take 2 Vicodin to prevent passing out...even though I'm allergic to vicodin and I get a really ugly rash from it. I still took it.

Eventually he was so mad that he started just saying mean shit for the hell of it.
I found out that he values his home and other material posessions/money so much (he would lose it if anything happened to his relationship because his girlfriend co-owns it) that he doesn't know for sure if he can be with me before my transplant. Seriously?
He seriously might not be able to drive me to MAJOR LIFE THREATENING surgery...because he might have to lie to his girlfriend. That put a whole new twist on everything.

I left our fight with this conclusion/s:

1.) I should never tell him if something is bothering me because he has no intention to speak with me about it.
2.) Should I choose to tell him something that's bothering me, it needs to be a concise statement, or else I'm "harassing" him with too much information.
3.) My opinion is shit.
4.) I don't have a support system for after my transplant.
5.) I will have a very disgusting rash on my hands tomorrow.

All in all...
A very very bad evening. Especially for my heart. The proverbial one.