Tonight was...annoying.
He left mad. Without a kiss or a hug. Without a smile.
Probably because we spent 45 minutes talking about shit he doesn't like talking about. Let me make that more clear...I spent 45 minutes talking about something I needed from him, while he laid back with his eyes closed, silent. Even when I said, "are you still listening to me?" and "If you don't want to talk to me, just say that"...silence.
I was trying to tell him that I don't feel like he acknowledges or shows very much appreciation for the fact that I have to lie all the fucking time to my family.
That I have to tell my mother that I am having thanksgiving dinner with him, or that he's bombing his house for bugs and that's why she can't see it. That I have to think up an excuse for why we aren't coming to my parent's house until 3, because the real reason is that his girlfriend doesn't go to work until 1:00.
Tonight I simply asked him to help me think of an excuse (lie) to tell my mom why we couldn't come earlier. He completely dismissed me, and said "tell her I'm busy..hahaha" like it was a joke or something. I tried to explain to him that because of that comment, it made it seem like he was unappreciative of the sacrifices I make to be in this relationship, mainly dealing with the fact that he is with another (unknowing) lady.
I told him I don't ever want to feel EXPECTED
to be okay with it. I want to hear "thank you for putting up with this shit, I know it's really hard on you" I want him to be ready and willing to meet me halfway if ONCE IN A GREAT WHILE I ask him to recognize the shit I deal with and help me deal with it, too.
I was really trying to tell him that the issue is him not admitting that having a girlfriend presents these problems. He can't leave until she is gone for work, ergo we cannot leave until late, ergo I have to lie to my parents, ergo they are hurt that we aren't coming earlier.
He tried to change the subject so many times "the only reason you wanted to go up there was to get things out of storage, so lets just get that straight" he was trying to change the subject off of himself. Then he tried to dismiss the whole thing by saying "fine, go earlier by yourself, I'll meet you later (in Columbia)" like threatening me or something.
Then he started saying that all I was doing was trying to pressure him to break up with his girlfriend...which is his default position whenever I bring her up because he knows it makes me feel bad and he knows I will end up saying sorry and we wont have to talk about whatever the real issue was.
Here's a newsflash for ya: I DONT WANT YOU TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!
I DON'T WANT YOU TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!
Then I would have to take her place and fill her shoes. I'm not like her. There is no way in hell I would sit up in that house and do your fucking dirty laundry and grocery shopping and make you dinner while you were never home. While you were never there at night, while you never slept with me. No fucking way I would trap myself in a suburb with a man who won't even show the least bit of appreciation towards me why? Pride? He's too manly to show his feelings?
You've got to be smoking crack if you think I want to be in that situation. With you, yes. If you wanted any of the things I want in my life. If you were willing to travel with me, if you were willing to let me do the things I love without worrying about hurting your feelings for no damn reason other than possessiveness. If you would appreciate me and compliment me occasionally. If you had anything positive to say about my life or myself.
And I guess that's that.
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