um.
I'm in the hospital right now. It used to be that the only thing I got stuck in here for was my heart problems, but not recently. The last few times i've spent time here it's been for infections that are a result of my immunosuppression. This time it's klebtociala (that's not the right spelling), a blood infection.
I don't know, and they don't know, how or where i got it. Story of my life, really.
The disease that killed my first heart at age 11 was "idiopathic" so they don't know what caused that. My allergies and severe reactions to most medicine are also a mystery.
One can only speculate where I got the histoplasmosis two years ago that sent me into a pseudo-coma and renal failure.
And now this stupid blood infection.
Ugh.
I feel shitty. I hate being in the hospital, i hate it so much. it's like prison. I have to constantly watch my back. My nurses and doctors don't know how to listen to me. Even though about 4 different people ask me the same thing every day, there are 13 different answers in my chart. they misconstrue what i say to fit their stupid little graphs and numbers. How can pain always fall on a smile-face meter? oh, today i'm "slight frown"...i think...because i can't really compare it to "crying hysterically sad face" because i've never experienced the worst pain imaginable.
blegh.
Being here only serves to remind me what a long hard road i have left until i can be free to live my life like i want to.
I wonder if i have it in me to go through another heart transplant...i mean i know i do, but what if it makes me not care anymore? I feel so trapped here in this hospital, but then i think of what waits me at home and it's honestly not much better.
Stay in bed and watch tv? check
get out of bed to pee, shower, eat? check
stuck, can't get out, feeling of suffocation? check.
Everything feels very fake right now.
my life feels like the moments in a movie that you don't see. I am the proverbial in between of living.
I'm living here.
24.8.09
13.8.09
I haven't written in a while...
First off, my computer crashed and I'm too poor too fix it. But that's not a bad thing, really. I all of a sudden find myself with tons of free time. Which brings me to secondly.
Secondly, I decided in December, when my computer crashed, to start seriously learning to play pool. I've always enjoyed playing with friends in a bar setting or whatever, and I was never all that bad. I knew how to hit the ball really hard and make it into the pocket. Usually.
But in December I really needed to get out of my winter slump, and so I thought I would pick up a hobby.
I was so wrong!
What I picked up was an obsession. An addiction.
Luckily for me there is a billiards place only a couple blocks from my house, and this town is small enough that I didn't have too many onlookers while I was making a fool of myself at the table. I started spending hours and hours there, just setting the balls on the table and making shot after shot. I started being able to spot the regulars- all older men- and even getting on a wave-at-each-other basis with them.
Then a man approached me one evening after seeing me there a few times. He offered some advice and that's when I learned that pool was a sport, one that I could learn about. I realized that it wasn't just about luck, or about getting the object ball in the pocket. There are definite facts and rules of engagement and skill involved.
And now you can't get me to do anything else.
I practice as much as I can now. All of my income goes towards playing pool. I am in a nine-ball league on sundays at the billiards place up the street, a TAP league on tuesdays at the place a couple towns over, on mondays it's snooker with the same regulars that I am now a part of, and on saturdays the TAP place has tournaments. And every other spare moment is practicing.
There are some shitty things about playing pool for me, though.
Its so expensive! I can't have a job right now because of my status on the heart transplant list, and I've asked the owner of the billiards place twice if I could work for him in exchange for free pool. He said no both times. The place where I play TAP is free on two nights out of the week...which I take advantage of despite the health risks of playing in a smoke filled building. I just don't understand how people become really good if they aren't able to practice all the time. Do you have to be rich to be good?
And then there are the men who are just assholes. I've never played a woman in a tournament or in either league I'm on. Once a guy stuck his hand up my skirt at a table, and plenty of jerks like to stare at me like I'm a piece of meat, or like I'm bending over to shoot to seduce them. And let's not forget about the excuses I get when I kick a man's ass playing. "oh, I just can't focus completely when I play a woman" or "it's a mother complex" or "It isn't nice to win to a lady"... I constantly get negative feedback from the people I play with. I'm not asking for anyone to kiss my butt or shower me with complements...but when I legitimately win and play well, I hate to be shoved down with comments that make it seem like I didn't win by my skill, but by their lack of it.
But anyway.
Im so glad I've found a passion that I can focus on right now. Wish me luck!!!
First off, my computer crashed and I'm too poor too fix it. But that's not a bad thing, really. I all of a sudden find myself with tons of free time. Which brings me to secondly.
Secondly, I decided in December, when my computer crashed, to start seriously learning to play pool. I've always enjoyed playing with friends in a bar setting or whatever, and I was never all that bad. I knew how to hit the ball really hard and make it into the pocket. Usually.
But in December I really needed to get out of my winter slump, and so I thought I would pick up a hobby.
I was so wrong!
What I picked up was an obsession. An addiction.
Luckily for me there is a billiards place only a couple blocks from my house, and this town is small enough that I didn't have too many onlookers while I was making a fool of myself at the table. I started spending hours and hours there, just setting the balls on the table and making shot after shot. I started being able to spot the regulars- all older men- and even getting on a wave-at-each-other basis with them.
Then a man approached me one evening after seeing me there a few times. He offered some advice and that's when I learned that pool was a sport, one that I could learn about. I realized that it wasn't just about luck, or about getting the object ball in the pocket. There are definite facts and rules of engagement and skill involved.
And now you can't get me to do anything else.
I practice as much as I can now. All of my income goes towards playing pool. I am in a nine-ball league on sundays at the billiards place up the street, a TAP league on tuesdays at the place a couple towns over, on mondays it's snooker with the same regulars that I am now a part of, and on saturdays the TAP place has tournaments. And every other spare moment is practicing.
There are some shitty things about playing pool for me, though.
Its so expensive! I can't have a job right now because of my status on the heart transplant list, and I've asked the owner of the billiards place twice if I could work for him in exchange for free pool. He said no both times. The place where I play TAP is free on two nights out of the week...which I take advantage of despite the health risks of playing in a smoke filled building. I just don't understand how people become really good if they aren't able to practice all the time. Do you have to be rich to be good?
And then there are the men who are just assholes. I've never played a woman in a tournament or in either league I'm on. Once a guy stuck his hand up my skirt at a table, and plenty of jerks like to stare at me like I'm a piece of meat, or like I'm bending over to shoot to seduce them. And let's not forget about the excuses I get when I kick a man's ass playing. "oh, I just can't focus completely when I play a woman" or "it's a mother complex" or "It isn't nice to win to a lady"... I constantly get negative feedback from the people I play with. I'm not asking for anyone to kiss my butt or shower me with complements...but when I legitimately win and play well, I hate to be shoved down with comments that make it seem like I didn't win by my skill, but by their lack of it.
But anyway.
Im so glad I've found a passion that I can focus on right now. Wish me luck!!!
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