Today is my 12th "heartiversary". It is the anniversary of simultaneously the most terrible thing that ever happened to me (and Katie, my donor) and the most amazing, awe inspiring.
So to say I have mixed feelings about it is an understatement.
First off, I feel proud, beaming at all the hard work I put in and the shitty health crap I deal with daily. I am strong, and today proves it.
But that's about the extent of anything good associated with today.
Mostly I just feel...like a failure. This is the first year I've been alive for longer with Katie's heart than with my own original heart. It's such a mind-fuck. I've always had immense feelings of inadequacy where that's concerned...feeling like I should do something amazing with my life to make up for the fact that Katie died, almost like it's up to me to prove that I was worth saving. That she didn't die in vain.
So...when I look back on the last 12 years and I don't see much, I feel like a failure.
And that leads to more self-pitying thinking.
Like the fact that I'm happy with almost no aspect of my existence. I love my roommates, but I hate my house. It's not conducive to health issues. It's dirty first of all. If I have a headache I have to ask 3 different people to stop what they're doing so the noise doesn't carry. I can't even have my boyfriend over to the house (I understand why, but it still sucks hairy peaches). I want my own place where I can have privacy and health and peace of mind and QUIET.
But I cannot afford it.
Which brings me to the root of most of my issues...money.
I live off of $644.79 a month. Plus the $120 I get for food stamps.
$180.00 towards rent and bills.
$160.00 on gas if I fill up once a week (not even including trips to st.louis, which would tack on another $40 per trip).
$20.00 for prescriptions a month (NOT complaining about how cheap that is, just adding it as an expense).
$40.00 for therapy/counseling (a necessity).
$40.00 for a massage (a necessity...though I think I might stop to save moola).
$200 for pool. Includes league, league fees, tournaments, practice, cue tools, chalk, new tips, etc... Which isn't a necessity, but I can't just sit in my fucking room my whole life, and I'm good at it so theoretically it could make me money in the future. PS...$120 is NOT enough to feed a single person for a month.
AHHHH the point is...I'm feeling terribly frustrated and depressed about my life. I can't fucking fill my time with hobbies that keep me occupied forever. What happens when nothing interests me? Or I don't have the money to do those things anymore? What happens when my body doesn't work anymore? When I'm in a fucking wheelchair from my fucked up back?
What will I do when diva house eventually fades away? What will I do when all my friends move on with their lives while I rot here...live in a box? I can hardly afford $180 a month, let alone $400+ bills. What am I gonna do?!
I can't get a job, not only because it fucks with the money I get from the government, but also because I am not a reliable worker! I need to work under the table to not have to claim the income, but who the fuck hires under the table?
Babysitting is an option, but some days I don't feel well, or I'm in the hospital, or the baby's sick and I can't come over. Who wants a dying babysitter?
And who the fuck am I kidding with this second transplant shit? It's not going to fucking change ANYTHING. I won't magically have money to move somewhere. I might not be healthy enough to work then, either. Even if I am healthy enough to get a real job, I have to be able to make enough money to support myself without social security, which means working constantly regardless of how I'm feeling. As a matter of fact it might be worse after my transplant because then I'll be HEALTHY and still not be able to live my life like I've been waiting waiting waiting to.
Sure...I do shit that interests me, I have hobbies and I have things that I genuinely love and that make me happy. But right now I feel like what's the fucking point in doing this forever? What's the point in living like this forever, constantly struggling and wanting more, and waiting, and being afraid.
It sucks. I'm depressed, and I don't know how to fix it.
