Sighhhhhhhhhsigh sigh.

I feel...
Failure.
Just utter and total failure.
At life, at relationships, at communication, and neediness and love and pool.
At everything.

Tonight Ryan and I got into an argument because of the sex thing...or lack thereof.
I tried calmly and politely bringing it up to him. He got really mad and said that there's just a lot on his mind lately.
"If you want me to just get an erection and fuck you, fine I can do that, but I like for my mind to be into it."
Okay... "That's good, I'm glad to hear you finally acknowledge it. You haven't talked about this at all to me. I awkwardly try to have sex with you and end up feeling like a fumbling fool when you turn me down without any explanation at all!"
Then he said "I just thought you understood what I was going through. You say you understand what's going on with my health, but then shit like this comes up..."

And I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for the natural way my brain works. I wish I wasn't so insecure, I really really really really really do. It would make my life sooooo much easier. But for now, that's not the case...so I tell Ryan what I need from him, and he shoots down the suggestion.

"I'm not going to make a fucking speech anytime I don't feel like having sex"
When I asked him to maybe say something like "I'm just not in the mood tonight, it's not you." Or something to that effect, anything.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK.

I feel broken, dysfunctional, unfit, raw, incompetent, inept. Blah.

I am trying not to judge myself unfairly...but it's really hard when it seems like if I could just grow up, mature, and become chill and relaxed with myself and everything around me, then it would all be okay. It's hard not to judge myself when my partner makes it seem like everything that is a problem in our relationship is because of the way I handle things. My attitude, my speaking without thinking.
I mean, yes...he does equate a lot of what's going on to his new disability and says that initially makes him cranky...but that it's exacerbated by my dealing with it. It's made worse by the way I constantly nag (his word) him to talk about his feelings...like some comic strip/sitcom joke about stereotypical women...always talking when they're not invited to.
He says it's made worse by my harassing (his word) him and putting pressure on him if I bring up something that bothers me.

So I come, naturally I believe, to the conclusions that I should keep quiet, lest I ruin the calmness of the water between us.
If he's snippy with me or says something mean...it's just his disability and if I actually understand and support him, I'll just take it with a grain of salt and not point out that he's being rude.
I can never express any kind of dissatisfaction with the way things are handled/going in our relationship because that puts too much extra pressure on him.


I feel sometimes...and this will sound really bad...like this is a contest to see who can hold out the longest. We are proving to each other what we're willing to take from the other person (I:E What things the other person does that bothers us or that we don't like) before we can't take it anymore. Whoever talks about what's wrong first, loses!!! Whoever takes it in silence without talking about anything, ever...wins! So I always lose, and he always wins...and that's where more manipulation on my part comes in.

We were at the store and he was mad at me for something, so he was walking faster than me, ignoring me, mumbling when he did decide to speak to me. I just decided to act the same way...not smiling, speaking monotonously, acting bored and sad.
He called me out immediately asking why I was being pissy and telling me that my attitude only made his anger/annoyance worse.
Woo hoo.

Shit...I should have kept my mouth shut tonight about the sex thing. I should have gone on wondering why he never wants to touch me, I should have just taken that as the new way our relationship is, instead of "thinking about the past so much" like Ryan responded.
I should have kept my mouth shut because now, in addition to thinking about being attractive, dreading being shot down if I initiate intimacy, and having aching for physical touch from him...I also now have to wonder if when we do have sex, he's just doing it even if his minds not in the right place. I have to worry that I've pressured him to just "get an erection and fuck" me.
YAY!!!!!


sheesh.