I think...I'm a complicated person. I might be impossible to please. Maybe.
I know that I need affection from Ryan more than he's willing to give me (anymore). I also know that I used to have a partner who smothered me with physical affection and was always needing hugs and shit (probably how I come across to Ryan) and it made me loathe him. I actually grew to resent physical contact with him because he wanted it so much I felt obligated, not invited.
Also, I have certain people that I hate touching, and certain times I don't like to be touched. Surprisingly enough, I hate physical contact from almost anyone, ever. Truth be told I hate hugs, and I hate it even more when they awkwardly last longer than I want them to. I also hate handshakes and random brushes with strangers in the elevator (or wherever). That makes me sound mean...but it's just my personal space that feels invaded at certain times.
I don't know.
That's why it's tricky. I don't know why I want so much mushy physical intimacy with Ryan...although I do suspect that my need/want for it is part of the reason I am not getting it, and that's a sticky situation.
I can't help getting fucking annoyed that our sex and touching is based around his advances, or his acceptance of mine.
I can't help getting annoyed that he can't just say "I'm not feeling very physical right now, it's not that I'm not attracted to you (maybe he could even throw in a compliment, ha ha) I'm just feeling like not being touched." Or "Can we just hold hands or can you just lay on my legs, because my neck/back/head/etc doesn't feel well and I can't touch you the way you'd like since it makes it worse?"
Seriously. Maybe that's the main issue for me...like all my problems with Ryan...it's a communication error.
If he would just vocalize what he was thinking, I wouldn't have to fill in the blanks!
He doesn't seem to want to have sex very much lately = He's having sex with his girlfriend I'm ugly I don't please him I'm not as good at head as I thought I was he hates me he wants to break up I'm going to break up with him first I need to get new clothes to look nicer oh my god I'm unattractive I need to lose weight fuuuuuckkk!!!
Simple thoughts become monsters if they live in my mind for a while.
In therapy, I'm working on not agitating situations with Ryan in order to force them to escalate, thereby coercing him to get angry and emotional (which I perceive as intimacy). This is (usually) a subconscious and unintentional occurrence based around my intense fear of abandonment (sounds fancy, huh?).
Sooooo tonight, I asked him to put his hand on me while I was laying on his legs and he rolled his eyes and sighed and jerked his hand towards me like a child being forced to take out the trash. I said "well I wouldn't want you to feel forced or anything!" And he got mad and said "jesus christ" and threw his hands up in defeat (as if to say what do you want?! I'm trying to touch you and now you act like you don't want me to???)
I just sat up and laid on my own pillow. Then he huffed and sat up. I said "what, now you're leaving?"
He said "yeah, it's getting late" in a monotone voice.
Then he got all his stuff together, and was ready to leave, and he came to hug me goodnight like always and I just said bye without a hug.
I guess subconsciously I was thinking "we'll see how he likes it, not getting a hug when he wants one"
But I guess he didn't want one that bad because he said, "oh, okay then". And left angry.
NOW...this is the part I've been talking about it therapy. Don't manipulate the situation and drag it out so he stays and you get into an argument and have a panic attack...
I let him walk out the door and...
Then I got up, tripped over some dishes and ran out the door to catch him before he got to his car.
It was cold, and he said "It's not worth fighting over, so goodnight"
Then I said...
"oh, it's not worth it?" See there, I was trying to fight about something entirely aside from my main point since he wasn't showing interest in arguing about that.
That's fucked up that I do that.
Eventually we just said bye...and that's a good step for me. I let go without going too far. I didn't cry...until he left and I came in here (my room) and started feeling sorry for myself that I am alone and don't get enough physical intimacy, and wah wah wah but as soon as I get it I don't want it and oh man I'm kinda fucked up.
But...
I realize that, and honestly, truly, I am giving a very good effort at trying to change it. Seriously. I don't like being fucked up.
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