fuck

I'm feeling terrible.
just horrible.

My best friend Emily is in town for just two days. It makes me sad that I can't see Ryan during these two days, because they don't get along.

She and Ben are going out to dinner for a few hours. I tried to ask Ryan if he wanted to meet up to see each other while they were out. He acts like I'm just bored without her around, and I'm just trying to occupy my time until she gets back so I ask him to hang out.
When really...really...really, I just want him to love me. I just want him to show his affection and want to be around me. He doesn't want to be around me.
It's all or nothing with him. Either I fucking spend ALL OF MY TIME WITH HIM, or else I don't spend any time with him. If I have 3 hours when we can hang out, that's not good enough.

It sucks so bad. I really really really want him to come over here...but not really in the same breath because I know that he'll just act nonchalant and not touch me and act like I don't matter to him and play fucking games. I don't want to play games anymore.
I'm so sick of having to lie to have some imaginary upper hand in the this weird fucking relationship.

He's told me he never will break up with his girlfriend, he'll never leave columbia, there is no chance for us to build our own story, only the chance (one in a million) for me to impose myself onto his already written life.
This is going nowhere. what the fuck is my problem. what the fuck is my deal.
Why the fuck am I putting myself through this.

I know what I could do to change it. I could pretend like I don't love him anymore. I could play games and pretend like I don't care that he never wants to touch me, that we only have sex maybe once a week, instead of every day, and that when we are intimate, it's to a fucking movie and he's watching it instead of me.

I could pretend that I don't cherish our time together. I could throw a childish fit about his girlfriend. i could play games...but I don't WANT TO.
i DON'T WANT TO
I don't want to don't want to don't want to .
fuck