In the worst way.

Well...
Called doctor. Took three hours for them to call me back and say they are going to change my medications and see if that works.
What is frustrating about this is that they don't even know what is wrong. They haven't been able to catch this thing on a monitor or EKG, so how the fuck do they know what medicine can work?
I feel like they are throwing this medicine at me instead of being real doctors and figuring out the problem. Oh I am so fucking scared that they don't have my best interest at (no pun) heart. As long as I'm alive, they feel successful, but who the fuck cares about my quality of life, eh?
I told Ryan about it tonight. He just acted like "oh well, you have to do it, so get over it, buck up" and that pissed me off. He said "I'm not going to hold your hand and tell you something just to humor you".
I just wanted him to say "I understand that this sucks for you, I can understand how you might have to cut back on pool if the medicine effects your concentration and comprehension, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that." But no. He said "Not playing pool isn't the end of the world" and then made me feel guilty when I said it kinda was the end of the world by saying "well as long as I had someone worth spending time with, I wouldn't be that bothered by it"...insinuating that I didn't care about him enough to forget about my problems.
That was a tough conversation, because he doesn't understand that I deal with these problems alone usually. I silently accept (and have been for 12 years) what the consequences are of taking my medicine.
I learned the lesson early in my life : If you want to keep people around you, don't complain or talk about death and your health.
So I didn't, for a long time. It took me forever to tell even people I cared about like friends and roommates about my health. Even then I didn't talk about it all the time. I don't talk about it all the time to Ryan, either. But I'm starting to think I just shouldn't talk to him at all about it. Because I know how he'll react, and I know I'll get mad and upset about it.
Sigh.

On a side note, if I don't take this medication, and continue having heart rhythm problems, then they want to implant a permanent defibrillator in my heart, that will shock me every time I have a skipped beat. Which is a whole lot of fucking shocks a day. Arrrgh.

Anooyeeed.
Annnooyed.
Annnnnoooooyyyyannnnceeee.

And fighting sucks. I hate it I hate it I hate it.
and I'm really bad at it too.