I feel like screaming, like pulling my hair out and screaming until I can't fucking breath anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating, choking on introspection. Suffocating on all the thoughts in my mind, all my self analysis like a million blankets thrown in my face obscuring me from the right path, the simple path.
I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. This is a toxic relationship.
I'm done letting him use my "health problems" as a weapon.
"I think about your health" is his go-to excuse/reason/tool/get out of jail free card for everything!
1.) I need you to communicate with me more..."I think about your health, don't want to add more to what you have to deal with"
2.) Can we have sex? "I think about your health, you didn't feel well last week I don't think you're ready to have sex yet."
3.) Can we discuss ______?/_____ is really bothering me lately./Can you please_____ more often/etc.. "My doctor told me I need to avoid stress because it makes my back problems worse, and since I'm already thinking about and dealing with your health stuff all the time, when you ask me for _______ it just adds unnecessary stress."
He also says things to discount and make light of my issues. Like "you just need to stop unnecessarily stressing me out by letting every little thing bother you". In that sentence he has not only made it seem like my problem wasn't a problem but an "overreaction", he is insinuating that even if I do have an issue it must not actually be that important, is "unnecessary" and that I better think twice or else I'll stress him out. Which he knows I worry about not only because he has said that stress hurts his back, but because I am obsessed with not realizing that I'm being manipulative and so I always second guess my motivations and the legitimacy of the issues I'm having in a relationship. He knows this and plays on this weakness.
He says I need to stop "harassing" him when I come to him with a problem. His reactions make me feel like a simple nagging wife archetype who just doesn't know when to shut up. A woman who should base all of her interaction with her significant other on whether or not he wants to have them. To put what she wants/needs/desires on the back burner to his happiness. He shouldn't have to deal with my issues when he'd much rather watch TV. "Goddammit, why can't I ever just relax in peace!" he's screamed at me before.
After the transplant everyone kept saying "he's a keeper" to me. "he's a keeper" hes a keeper, hesakeeper hesakeeper. I agreed, the man he magically became during that terrible/amazing time in my life was a keeper. But it was momentary and temporary. Three weeks later I was living in his house and while he assured me that everything was going to go smoothly, he got frustrated and lost his temper quickly. We argued and I had so many panic attacks I had to go on anti anxiety medicine for the first time in my life. I will agree that it by far wasn't all his fault, I had some pretty crazy fucking mood swings, depression, and drag-you-down-in-the-darkness breakdowns but his reactions ranged from mediocre to fucking pathetic.
Intimacy is nearly non-existent with Ryan. The most intimate we have EVER been was while I was in the hospital during the transplant. Ryan kept eye contact with me several times, held my hand, comforted me, and vocalized compliments and his love and adoration numerous times. Other than that, we hardly have any bodily contact at all. Sometimes if he's getting coffee or sitting in a chair, I'll come up to him and offer a hug/kiss/or back rub. Occasionally while we're at pool he might come up to where I'm sitting and offer his back to me almost like "here, I'm standing close enough for you to touch me, revel in this allowance". Or he might even touch my shoulder on his way past me. When we are at his house, watching television, I have to ask him to touch me. "will you put your hand on my knee?" while I take every opportunity to rub his feet as we watch a movie, or to rest my head on his lap if he's not laying down and I am. If I say something about this he gets angry and says "what do you want!? I'm 8 inches from you!" Not recognizing that general vicinity is a much different thing than physical contact. Sex. Sex is mediocre at best. Sometimes penetration is wonderful. But other than that, it actually sucks really really bad. I never get off unless I masturbate while we're fucking. We only have sex in one position. He doesn't ever make any noise or say anything sexy, he leaves his clothes on every single time! In three years, we have had completely naked sex enough times to count on one hand! He keeps his eyes closed the entire time, sometimes he even leaves his sunglasses on. That's because usually we were watching tv right before getting busy. Usually the TV is still on, and I have to listen to some stupid fucking infomercial while I'm trying to have sex. He never goes down on me, he has done this maybe twice, EVER. I tell him what I want: roleplay, being tied up, spanking, my fantasies, whatever it might be. He says he's not interested in having sex like that. I ask him what he wants, he says "nothing". I buy cards to try to spice it up, cards with sex positions on them, and he barely looks at them, tossing each one aside saying "done that. done that. not interested. done that." A couple of different times he's even cum inside me and then gotten up to do whatever, and when I say "I didn't come" he said "feel free to use your lube, then". He doesn't stay to watch or touch my breasts or legs, he leaves. We don't kiss during sex, we don't kiss ever. Sometimes he kisses me on the forehead, and sometimes the lips, but not very often, and never with tongue. After sex, we don't cuddle, snuggle, have pillow talk or really do anything except watch tv and fall asleep. It isn't spontaneous and often times he turns me down when I try to be sexy, and makes me feel stupid. When we have sex it's usually at his advances which usually consist of us laying in bed watching tv, his face is still glued to the television but his hand is under the covers blindly searching for my clit. Sometimes he finds it, and vigorously rubs it dry until its numb, but more often than not he finds a spot that feels vaguely similar and rubs it the same way. Then I go down on him and we have sex. In that order, always. He never looks at me naked, never watches my pussy as he touches it, and never pays attention to what we are doing in general.
I don't feel sexy, desirable, like I turn him on, or even pretty around him. This is because I barely ever receive any kind of compliments from him. Nary a "you smell nice" or "wow your hair looks beautiful tonight". Nothing. Nada. I bring it up to him and he says "I only give compliments when I mean them, what do you want me to do, lie to you?"
Dates are almost non-existent. When I try to go out to eat he says "I'm not gonna waste money on food I can cook at home!"
movie: I'm not gonna waste money when I can rent it later!
comedy club: Not interested.
haunted house: " "
mini golf: " "
Play: " "
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Boring, boring boring. Dull. Unfair.
I ask him, while he's in India for almost two months, "do you miss me?" and he says "yeah, why?" and then changes the subject.
There is some pretty serious and bummerific stuff going on with his health, and I'm trying to be there for him, but he's keeping me completely in the dark. Again because "...your health issues, I don't want to talk about my stuff when yours is so much worse". He talks more to our mutual friend, Melvin, than he does to me.
Ryan gets home on the 6th of Feb. Melvin leaves for 3 weeks on the 8th. Melvin told me tonight that Ryan has already made plans with him to "get together" before Melvin leaves. This will have to happen on the 7th, obviously. This makes me angry and hurt, because after not having seen me for 2 months, my boyfriend of 3 years wants to hang out with his buddy Melvin instead of spending time with me. This makes me feel like shit. I am one of his lowest priorities. I barely even matter at all to him. He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't need my opinion to weigh in on making major decisions. Sometimes I think the only reason he's with me is because I'm better than being with no one and he thinks I could die suddenly and doesn't want to feel guilty for breaking up with me. That is a shitty shitty way to feel.
Tonight on the phone I sexily implied that we have phone sex tonight. Even though he's been really sick the last few days he tells me "Maybe I'll call you, but I'll probably go out with my friends tonight". When I mention that he should be careful because his body probably isn't completely healed from the flu, he gets annoyed. Then I get mad because he didn't even act like phone sex was interesting in any way. I said "well, does that even interest you, at all!? He said "No, not really" and then said "of course it does, what do you think!?" I said "I think you make me feel like the most unattractive woman in the world. Then I had a mini panic attack and he said he had to get off the phone. Wonderful.
I need this to be over. I need our relationship to end.
But I feel guilty after Ryan "put up with" all my health issues and helped me through that time in my life. I can't break it off now, while he actually needs me for once. But does he need me? Or do I just need him to need me?
He sure doesn't act like he needs me for anything. On the contrary, he acts like he doesn't need me for anything. Like I don't even matter.
I don't need this shit, that's for sure. I'm so tired of feeling bad. Bad for things I cannot even control, like my health and my wants and needs. I'm tired of second guessing myself. "Do I really need that?" "Is that really worth arguing about?" "Am I being unreasonable?" etc etc etc etc etc etc blah blah blah blah blah.
I need and want and deserve a partner who cares about my feelings, and wants to hear them. A partner who finds me attractive and tells me so. Who appreciates my help and support. Who needs and wants me as much as I need and want them. Who communicates issues if they have them. Who tells me about their life and goals and desires and fantasies. Who wants me to know about them. Who loves me and has fun with me and laughs and cries with me. A friend, a lover, a true partner.
I need, want, and deserve a healthy relationship. Please.
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