Numb

I'm numb to this.
I cried last night. I begged my body to let me go on this trip. I begged it.
It didn't work.
When my fever reached 104.8 around 6 o'clock this morning, I had to quit pretending like it would just go away. I went to the emergency room and soon thereafter was in an ambulance on my (not so) merry way to St.Louis. Again. For the same shit I've been in the hospital for the last 3 months.
I can't stand this shit.
I was going on this 2 week trip so that I could get away. So I could experience something new...which rarely happens at this point in my life.
So I could prove to myself that my doctors don't rule my life. That I have control over my life. That I have free will.
Guess I got taught a lesson, eh?
It's so nauseating, completely devastating, for me to have made this fucking HUGE decision...to take myself off the transplant list during one of the busiest weeks of the year (read: prime time for car accidents and thus organ donors) so that I could do this. This is a decision I've been rolling over in my brain for the whole time I've been on the list, almost 3 years, and it's a decision I felt guilty for, but had committed to completely.
I feel numb because I'm upset, but I can't express it. I'm sad and depressed and utterly deflated on a level so deep that it's not registering. I feel it in the deepest pit of my chest, in the core of my being.

I feel completely defeated.

I feel like I am being punished, but in vain I try to find an answer that doesn't exist, I can never know if that's the case.

This is something other than suicidal. I don't feel like not living anymore, but I don't want to do this shit. I don't want this body. I don't want it.
I wouldn't give it to anyone else...that's how much I hate it. I would never wish it on anyone, ever. I just want to live my life like a normal fucking person. A healthy person who is dumb to the horrors their bodies can wreak. To the loss of control that illness brings. To the inability to control even a SINGLE fucking aspect of your existence.

I want to live in oblivion to heart failure and kidney failure and blood infections and surgery and death and I don't want to be some stealer of organs. I don't want my liveliness to DEPEND on someone else's death.
Shit.

Well...I guess I'll deal with it, because it's better than the alternative, but that's certainly a shitty couple of decisions.