uncertainly certain of it.

um.
I'm in the hospital right now. It used to be that the only thing I got stuck in here for was my heart problems, but not recently. The last few times i've spent time here it's been for infections that are a result of my immunosuppression. This time it's klebtociala (that's not the right spelling), a blood infection.
I don't know, and they don't know, how or where i got it. Story of my life, really.
The disease that killed my first heart at age 11 was "idiopathic" so they don't know what caused that. My allergies and severe reactions to most medicine are also a mystery.
One can only speculate where I got the histoplasmosis two years ago that sent me into a pseudo-coma and renal failure.
And now this stupid blood infection.

Ugh.

I feel shitty. I hate being in the hospital, i hate it so much. it's like prison. I have to constantly watch my back. My nurses and doctors don't know how to listen to me. Even though about 4 different people ask me the same thing every day, there are 13 different answers in my chart. they misconstrue what i say to fit their stupid little graphs and numbers. How can pain always fall on a smile-face meter? oh, today i'm "slight frown"...i think...because i can't really compare it to "crying hysterically sad face" because i've never experienced the worst pain imaginable.
blegh.

Being here only serves to remind me what a long hard road i have left until i can be free to live my life like i want to.
I wonder if i have it in me to go through another heart transplant...i mean i know i do, but what if it makes me not care anymore? I feel so trapped here in this hospital, but then i think of what waits me at home and it's honestly not much better.
Stay in bed and watch tv? check
get out of bed to pee, shower, eat? check
stuck, can't get out, feeling of suffocation? check.

Everything feels very fake right now.
my life feels like the moments in a movie that you don't see. I am the proverbial in between of living.
I'm living here.