22.10.12
Happy fucking birthday.
12.9.12
The heart of the matter.
Today, I learned of a death.
A woman.
I didn't know her well. I mean, I'd never met her in person. We talked on the phone once or twice and I knew her husband because he's a bouncer at a bar I go to sometimes. I'd also heard about her through my doctors, though. Because she had a heart transplant 6 years ago. She had a really rough time after transplant. Her heart was fine...but everything else was wrong. Her gallbladder, getting infections, bone problems. But her heart was fine.
I'm not sure how she died, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't related to her heart.
It was fine.
I am so tired of death.
I am so tired of thinking about time, and of thinking about statistics, and of living in a state of perpetual utter panic and anxiety about all the things I need to do AND QUICKLY before I quit outrunning that fucking asshole and the finality brought with.
I am tired of getting statistics in the mail. "By law we have to tell you your yearly survival rates". Second transplant...70% one year out. 60% after five years...but hey it's better than the national average!!! After five years it just gets fucking grim. And all these people dying around me...all these stories of people being fine for a while and then suddenly dying. All these things I want to do and need to do and my terrible decision making abilities and my relationship problems and anxiety and pain and crumbling bones and strained muscles and reading a story of a heart transplant patient who ran in an ironman competition or climbed a mountain and being so close to some people yet so fucking far away because how the fuck could anyone who wasn't dealing with it know how terrible and enlightening and frightening it is to live so close to death....these are the things my brain is filled to the brim with.
I feel. Numb.
I feel so tired and so numb. I feel tired of being confused.
I feel confused at being tired.
I don't know how to feel anymore.
I lived, she died, they died, you will die instead.
Does this mean I'm special? To who? To what? Why?
Can I actually die? I've lived through more than an average person can claim. And it just keeps fucking coming. I just keep being disabled, no matter how I wish it different, no matter what I do or don't do, I'm still here, in this body, with these problems and thoughts and unanswered questions.
I try to talk to people about it.
I try.
"Well we all die, you know" They say in a consolation attempt.
"You just have to look at the bright side, it could be worse!" They retort.
Well fuck you for all your help. People don't get it. And how could they? I don't expect them to.
I'm sorry you died, Angie. I hope you were at peace with that.
I might be developing cervical cancer, my bones are slipping around my spine, my fellow patients are dropping like flies around me and I'm dodging death like I'm in that fucking movie Final Destination, but hey...
My heart is fine.
7.5.12
I'm alive, but I'm broken.
I don't feel sorry for myself. My life, a subplot to a slow-flowing movie without an end.
There is something, there are some things that need to be said. Whiring machines delivering death blows to my veins, through my plumbing to the microscopic culprit. pop. whir, searing pain. My vein rebels, commits suicide, a martyr to the ongoing war under my skin, but if it would just behave things would be easier. A tough interior. Maybe one day it will rise again, a miracle, but 10 days later and as (not) per usual, it's still in the throws of rigor mortis. children laughing in hospital hallways. Hallucinations of the truly malevolent sort, the veil between worlds at it's thinnest. Metal tables, restraints, gas masks and naked on the cold surface of an operating suite. A suite-but there's no coffee or cable. tears, screams, cries so loud they penetrate concrete walls and your brain. Death. Babies. Dead babies. Good-as-dead mothers. Curtains pulled for the illusion of privacy. Bad news, everyone's business. needles, deep, deep, deep in my neck, groin, arms, hands, spine, face, feet, elbows, arms, fingers, thighs, wrists, arteries. Watching. They numb the skin buy they can't numb the nerve endings, heart sacs, bones, lungs or tendons they inevitably puncture. Thank you for letting me watch. An incision, a long, long, deep incision. Catheters. Catheters in my groin, catheters in my urethra, my veins, my arteries, my heart. Needles in my cervix, through my lip, along my back. Control. Puking. The medicine in making it impossible to eat. I eat, I wait, I puke. I stick my fingers down my throat, control. I make incisions, control. I stick needles in my skin, control. Beeping, beep beep beep that fucking beeping taunting me. Beep your heart's still beating beep you're out of medicine beep can I help you beep I'm done shitting beep you're dead. I'm dead. I'm talking, okay, I'm fine. I'm feeling funny I'm dead. Black. Nothing. Gone. Peace. peace. peace. Regret. Panic! I'm alive, but I'm broken. Dialysis whir. broken ribs, breathing tube, conversations on paper when my throat is stuffed with tubes. Are those even words? Monster eyes, I see you. Blurry. blurry. Beep pain medicine beep narcotics addiction. Control. Drip drip drip I.V poles...I'm beginning to loathe all things metal. Tubes so many tubes. Fluid so much fluid. So much blood so many bruises. So many scars. Needles in my ribcage 1 inch long, every second of every day. tubes. Frustrating. unfair. deserved? Accepted. broken ribs are forced apart. I'm helpless. Latex gloves reach inside my chest, rip out my heart, my broken heart. Aortas everywhere, cadavers, dead girls, accidents, dead babies, charred remains, twisted metal. I fucking hate metal. rubbing alcohol. Nose bleeds, I shit myself walking into the hospital, I'm really sick but I drove myself here. Alone, all alone, always alone. Lonely cards, get well soon. Stop making us uncomfortable, either die, or don't, why do you have to linger in between? (in so many words). Visits are less and less frequent then non-existent. Old hat. What's new? Surgery, so what. Grow up. grow up. grow up. can't coddle you. real world, grow up. Blood on a canvas, control. The dreams, oh fuck the dreams. The side effects. dreams and bones turning to dust. Well, mud what with all the fluids. I really hate metal. nightmares and an empty bed. A new family sterile and stern and better than nothing. a conference, communication is key, laughable. broken dreams for broken dreams. death in exchange for life. I am a stealer of hearts. I am a thief of life. My life is broken in return for existing. A deserved trade? Accepted.
15.3.12
I broke up with my parents.
I just got really serious with my parents,
So my mom has been being really weird on facebook lately, making really passive/aggressive remarks on my friend's page's and her own. She called me the other day to tell me my brother broke his right wrist and arm. During the call she said something that made no sense whatsoever, like total gibberish. When I asked for her to repeat it she freaked out and said "Jesus, I make mistakes, okay? I can make mistakes, too!" So just stuff like that lately. Also, she offered my sister $100 to come to the lake and visit them. Yeah. So money must not be a problem like they've been claiming, right? Well read on.
So she texted me this afternoon, to tell me about Alex's cast and stuff. I'm just gonna type the conversation out because that's easier than saying he said she said. My words are in italics, hers are not. Any comments I make are in parenthesis.
Sorry you're doing crappy going off the steroids. So sorry! I love n miss u sooooooooooo much!
I heard you offered Jennie 100 bucks to come see you guys. Maybe you could use some of that money to come visit?
I offered her money to fill up her car so that she could come to the lake to borrow money for her phone bill.
I'm free all day every day, I play pool at night but if you told me you were coming I could figure something out. Fridays/Saturdays/Sundays I'm free day and night.
have some time off, occasionally, minus 2 kids in school, work and school lol. would love to come up OR you come down that would be awesome too, we could go to the mall and khols, we love you! What u think?
I think I'm never stepping foot at the lake again until you guys come visit me. (at this point I just thought what the fuck, I'm done pretending).
Wow. Really?
Yes. Absolutely.
Seems kinda unreasonable.....
(OH THIS PISSED ME OFF!!)
(It took me a long time to type the next one out so she wrote "don't u think???????" )
What's unreasonable is the fact that in three years my parents couldn't visit me once in the hospital. I've been fed up with it for a while but my love for you guys made me overlook it. I just can't overlook that when I needed you most in my life, during recovery, you weren't there. Don't you remember that phone call in November when I expressed all this to you and you promised to try harder? Well 4 months later...you're unreasonable, not me. And I find it hard to believe that in 7 months you couldn't scrounge up a few hours and 50 bucks to come support your seriously fucked daughter.
Your little brother and sister are in school now Jessica! Plus I'm working and in school...I'm sooooo sorry u can't understand this. We love you and are hurt u cannot understand this. It's not the money that we have to scrounge up it is the TIME...don't forget to remember all the times we were there in the hospital, packing up christmas, and cleaning an ungodly room out to make sure you were set (seriously, they visited maybe 6 times for like a cumulative total of 24 hours in 10+ years, came to my house for christmas one time, and helped me clean my room one time. ) WOW your dad and I are hurt and blown away....
Do you understand what I'm saying???
Do you understand????
Please answer.
I'm not wasting anymore of my precious time begging you for the support I need. You have excuse after excuse. You've done the bare minimum, you want an award??? It's pretty bad when my doctors and nurses ask me if my parents are dead or in another country. Sooooo sorry you cant understand how shitty that is. When you decide you guys want to be there for me, let me know. Until then lets just postpone and happy go lucky trips to the mall.
They'll probably shut off my phone. I'm proud of myself for standing up to them, but at the same time I feel like they truly believe what they said. That they have been such strong support to me, that because they came and helped me clean my room once, and they came to the hospital a couple of times for a couple of hours in 10 years, they're parents of the year. Then my mom posted this facebook status "I'm heartbroken and blown away..." and everyone in our family is like "oh what's wrong?". She's such a twat. I was just thinking earlier, what will I lose by not having them in my life. The answer is nothing. What will I gain? nothing. But at least I won't have to pretend that we're some big happy family. I won't have to hear my mom's condescending tone and know-it-all comments because she thinks if you take a chemistry course you're a nurse. Here is what I wrote recently in response to the question,
Describe your relationship with your parents: FAKE, FALSE, LIES, PAINFUL, UGLY, DISAPPOINTING, DISTURBING, LACKING, TERRIBLE, DEAD. I am so fucking pissed at my parents I don't think I can ever forgive them for what a shitty, lousy, detrimental "support" system they've been. To hear it from my dramatic mom, you'd think they held my hand and whispered sweet nothings in my ear since the day I got sick when I was 11. Not even fucking close. Sometimes I would come home from the hospital (where no one had visited me) and my mom would berate me for not doing the laundry because "It's not that hard, you just have to sit on your ass and fold clothes" once my parents made me go to a surgery by myself. When I told them I had to be put under and couldn't drive myself home, my dad actually said "I don't give a fuck!" and my mom said "Figure it out, what do you think is gonna happen when you go to college? We're going to drive you to your appointments still? Uh, no way!" When I got to the hospital all I could do was cry and cry and cry. Some of my nurses ended up offering to let me stay at their houses that night. My parents are fucking cowards. I waited for a transplant for 3 years. They visited a few times during that period, but never even once when I was sick in the hospital, which for the record was over 10 months total out of the three years. A lot of time, a lot of procedures spent alone with nurses and doctors who stood in for my family. Doctors ask me if my parents are dead or in another country because they haven't met them in 3 years. When I was in the children's hospital other sick kid's parents would hear me getting sick in the next bed and come hold my hair back for me, or hold me when my doctor's first told me I needed another transplant. And my parents think that because they show up a couple of times, spend an hour and bring me panera bread or brush my hair, that everything is peachy fucking keen? No, it's not. Once in children's hospital all my doctors and nurse practitioners and social workers gathered together to talk to me in a board meeting room. They said that since I obviously do not have any parents or responsible adults to help me that they would gladly help me figure out stuff with housing closer to the hospital and getting into school in St.Louis (I was very sick and needed to be nearer to the hospital at the time). That is fucking poetic. I had been severely ill my senior year of high school, and had just begun to get better when I went to college, yet when I began to get ill again less than a year later, in 2007, my parents said it was my "lifestyle" (which they neither understood nor wanted/tried to) that was making me sick and that it was my own damn fault. They closed my banking account,took back the car they let me use during college (and the car I desperately needed to get to and from appointments) and basically said "good luck". What great human beings. This is all just the health stuff, I won't even get into how my father called me a fat ass and a ball and chain and cunt. How he slapped me punched both of my mothers in front of me, how my mom stood up for him and read through all of my journals trying to find an excuse to put me away. The real kicker is that after all of this the rest of my family and my parent's friends think they are my "rock" and that they are these wonderful stoic people who have a sick daughter poor them. I wish everyone knew just how fake it all is. Just how deep the lie goes. Just how devastating the truth has been to me. My dad is a sad man. He can't even call me. At least my mom does the obligatory phone calls to ask if I'm alright. My dad just ignores me like I don't even exist. My mom gets off on the attention of having a sick child, and that's the truth. I don't want them in my lives anymore, and if it weren't for my beloved brother and sister, I would say FUCK YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT SORRY EXCUSES FOR PARENTS. YOU SUCK. AND WHEN YOU GET CANCER OR NEED MY HELP AFTER A TRANSPLANTED ORGAN YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES I FUCKING HATE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW I THINK YOU SUCK SO FUCKING MUCH. YOU ARE PATHETIC. And that is my description of my relationship with my parents. :) They had better not try to keep me from seeing my brother and sister or I'll fight them so hard. I love my brother and sister unlike anything else in the world and I refuse for them to put our drama between siblings. It doesn't have anything to do with them. Although when my brother called me the other day (he's 10 years old) he wasn't excited at all to be talking to me. I can't help but envision my mom making rude comments about me, and making them think badly of me. I really hope that doesn't happen. Fuck them. The end of that shit.
So my mom has been being really weird on facebook lately, making really passive/aggressive remarks on my friend's page's and her own. She called me the other day to tell me my brother broke his right wrist and arm. During the call she said something that made no sense whatsoever, like total gibberish. When I asked for her to repeat it she freaked out and said "Jesus, I make mistakes, okay? I can make mistakes, too!" So just stuff like that lately. Also, she offered my sister $100 to come to the lake and visit them. Yeah. So money must not be a problem like they've been claiming, right? Well read on.
So she texted me this afternoon, to tell me about Alex's cast and stuff. I'm just gonna type the conversation out because that's easier than saying he said she said. My words are in italics, hers are not. Any comments I make are in parenthesis.
Sorry you're doing crappy going off the steroids. So sorry! I love n miss u sooooooooooo much!
I heard you offered Jennie 100 bucks to come see you guys. Maybe you could use some of that money to come visit?
I offered her money to fill up her car so that she could come to the lake to borrow money for her phone bill.
I'm free all day every day, I play pool at night but if you told me you were coming I could figure something out. Fridays/Saturdays/Sundays I'm free day and night.
have some time off, occasionally, minus 2 kids in school, work and school lol. would love to come up OR you come down that would be awesome too, we could go to the mall and khols, we love you! What u think?
I think I'm never stepping foot at the lake again until you guys come visit me. (at this point I just thought what the fuck, I'm done pretending).
Wow. Really?
Yes. Absolutely.
Seems kinda unreasonable.....
(OH THIS PISSED ME OFF!!)
(It took me a long time to type the next one out so she wrote "don't u think???????" )
What's unreasonable is the fact that in three years my parents couldn't visit me once in the hospital. I've been fed up with it for a while but my love for you guys made me overlook it. I just can't overlook that when I needed you most in my life, during recovery, you weren't there. Don't you remember that phone call in November when I expressed all this to you and you promised to try harder? Well 4 months later...you're unreasonable, not me. And I find it hard to believe that in 7 months you couldn't scrounge up a few hours and 50 bucks to come support your seriously fucked daughter.
Your little brother and sister are in school now Jessica! Plus I'm working and in school...I'm sooooo sorry u can't understand this. We love you and are hurt u cannot understand this. It's not the money that we have to scrounge up it is the TIME...don't forget to remember all the times we were there in the hospital, packing up christmas, and cleaning an ungodly room out to make sure you were set (seriously, they visited maybe 6 times for like a cumulative total of 24 hours in 10+ years, came to my house for christmas one time, and helped me clean my room one time. ) WOW your dad and I are hurt and blown away....
Do you understand what I'm saying???
Do you understand????
Please answer.
I'm not wasting anymore of my precious time begging you for the support I need. You have excuse after excuse. You've done the bare minimum, you want an award??? It's pretty bad when my doctors and nurses ask me if my parents are dead or in another country. Sooooo sorry you cant understand how shitty that is. When you decide you guys want to be there for me, let me know. Until then lets just postpone and happy go lucky trips to the mall.
They'll probably shut off my phone. I'm proud of myself for standing up to them, but at the same time I feel like they truly believe what they said. That they have been such strong support to me, that because they came and helped me clean my room once, and they came to the hospital a couple of times for a couple of hours in 10 years, they're parents of the year. Then my mom posted this facebook status "I'm heartbroken and blown away..." and everyone in our family is like "oh what's wrong?". She's such a twat. I was just thinking earlier, what will I lose by not having them in my life. The answer is nothing. What will I gain? nothing. But at least I won't have to pretend that we're some big happy family. I won't have to hear my mom's condescending tone and know-it-all comments because she thinks if you take a chemistry course you're a nurse. Here is what I wrote recently in response to the question,
Describe your relationship with your parents: FAKE, FALSE, LIES, PAINFUL, UGLY, DISAPPOINTING, DISTURBING, LACKING, TERRIBLE, DEAD. I am so fucking pissed at my parents I don't think I can ever forgive them for what a shitty, lousy, detrimental "support" system they've been. To hear it from my dramatic mom, you'd think they held my hand and whispered sweet nothings in my ear since the day I got sick when I was 11. Not even fucking close. Sometimes I would come home from the hospital (where no one had visited me) and my mom would berate me for not doing the laundry because "It's not that hard, you just have to sit on your ass and fold clothes" once my parents made me go to a surgery by myself. When I told them I had to be put under and couldn't drive myself home, my dad actually said "I don't give a fuck!" and my mom said "Figure it out, what do you think is gonna happen when you go to college? We're going to drive you to your appointments still? Uh, no way!" When I got to the hospital all I could do was cry and cry and cry. Some of my nurses ended up offering to let me stay at their houses that night. My parents are fucking cowards. I waited for a transplant for 3 years. They visited a few times during that period, but never even once when I was sick in the hospital, which for the record was over 10 months total out of the three years. A lot of time, a lot of procedures spent alone with nurses and doctors who stood in for my family. Doctors ask me if my parents are dead or in another country because they haven't met them in 3 years. When I was in the children's hospital other sick kid's parents would hear me getting sick in the next bed and come hold my hair back for me, or hold me when my doctor's first told me I needed another transplant. And my parents think that because they show up a couple of times, spend an hour and bring me panera bread or brush my hair, that everything is peachy fucking keen? No, it's not. Once in children's hospital all my doctors and nurse practitioners and social workers gathered together to talk to me in a board meeting room. They said that since I obviously do not have any parents or responsible adults to help me that they would gladly help me figure out stuff with housing closer to the hospital and getting into school in St.Louis (I was very sick and needed to be nearer to the hospital at the time). That is fucking poetic. I had been severely ill my senior year of high school, and had just begun to get better when I went to college, yet when I began to get ill again less than a year later, in 2007, my parents said it was my "lifestyle" (which they neither understood nor wanted/tried to) that was making me sick and that it was my own damn fault. They closed my banking account,took back the car they let me use during college (and the car I desperately needed to get to and from appointments) and basically said "good luck". What great human beings. This is all just the health stuff, I won't even get into how my father called me a fat ass and a ball and chain and cunt. How he slapped me punched both of my mothers in front of me, how my mom stood up for him and read through all of my journals trying to find an excuse to put me away. The real kicker is that after all of this the rest of my family and my parent's friends think they are my "rock" and that they are these wonderful stoic people who have a sick daughter poor them. I wish everyone knew just how fake it all is. Just how deep the lie goes. Just how devastating the truth has been to me. My dad is a sad man. He can't even call me. At least my mom does the obligatory phone calls to ask if I'm alright. My dad just ignores me like I don't even exist. My mom gets off on the attention of having a sick child, and that's the truth. I don't want them in my lives anymore, and if it weren't for my beloved brother and sister, I would say FUCK YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT SORRY EXCUSES FOR PARENTS. YOU SUCK. AND WHEN YOU GET CANCER OR NEED MY HELP AFTER A TRANSPLANTED ORGAN YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES I FUCKING HATE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW I THINK YOU SUCK SO FUCKING MUCH. YOU ARE PATHETIC. And that is my description of my relationship with my parents. :) They had better not try to keep me from seeing my brother and sister or I'll fight them so hard. I love my brother and sister unlike anything else in the world and I refuse for them to put our drama between siblings. It doesn't have anything to do with them. Although when my brother called me the other day (he's 10 years old) he wasn't excited at all to be talking to me. I can't help but envision my mom making rude comments about me, and making them think badly of me. I really hope that doesn't happen. Fuck them. The end of that shit.
28.2.12
Holy fucking shit, this month has been WEIRD.
Seriously. Terrible, weird, awesome, godawful and strange. All at once.
So, Ryan came home on the 5th. That was terrible. He was an asshole and I'll spare you the details but I basically dropped him off at his house after I picked him up from the airport because he was being such a doucher. So then the next day we did the obligatory "I'm sorry"'s and then I went over to his house. We had sex, and then he was weird so I left again.
The next day, we broke up over the phone. It was hard.
It was friendly though, and we vowed to continue to be friends and agreed that he would still help me with my health stuff (taking me to biopsies, etc...).
So we talked every day for a couple weeks, and he took me to a biopsy. We talked and hashed shit out (we agreed not to have sex, and tied up some other loose ends) and I actually felt pretty good about everything. It was hard, don't get me wrong...I just wasn't devastated. I was okay.
The day of the biopsy it was weird. He was staring at me and playing with my hair and walking with his hand on my butt. I could tell something was up.
Then I was at pool last week and Ryan texted me saying he was sad. When I asked him why, he said "I'm an idiot, I let a good thing go, but oh well" and when I responded by saying we both tried as hard as we could have, he said "I could have tried harder", it was confusing and odd. I asked him if we could talk about it in person and he said "some other time maybe".
The next day I asked him to go on a walk with me since it was really nice outside. We went hiking on a trail out at rockbridge park. He was talking about how attractive I looked and we were kind of flirting, and at one point my ass crack was hanging out when I was sitting on a cliff, and I said "sorry my ass is hanging out, don't look" and he said "I like looking at it". It was strange. I eventually got up enough courage to confront him about the confusing texts. I told him it seemed like mixed messages. He said he's just confused, that he didn't know what he wanted and wouldn't elaborate any more than that.
Yesterday I went to his house and we had sex...yeah...the sex we agreed not to have? I guess we were both just feeling weak and horny...so, we did. It was amazing sex, funny enough. I gave him a back massage and we had sex again. It was even more amazing the second time. Then we watched the Oscars and I went home. It was confusing.
Today I was thinking about it a lot, and he called me and I kind of blurted it out all at once. He was frustratingly clueless about everything. He said "you want me to tell you how I feel, so I told you that I'm wondering if I made the right decision, and now you're saying it's confusing you, so I just won't tell you how I feel I guess" and when I asked him what we're doing he played stupid "what do you mean, what are we doing?" I was like....um, you're sending me mixed messages. "What mixed messages?!" he was seriously flabbergasted. Eventually the conversation went sour. We were screaming at each other, I had a panic attack, and he got pissed and said he just wanted to be friends and never talk to each other. It was painful and frustrating. He said he regretted having sex "if this is what's going to happen"...like it was my fucking fault that we were arguing! He is completely deluded about his role in his own actions...he always has been. He also kept saying..."I don't know what to say...I have a lot going on right now, soooo" like because he has a lot going on right now I'm not allowed to ask questions or have expectations.
I don't know why I'm putting up with this. I'm pathetic!!!! Am I so self conscious that I'm willing to accept any affection from Ryan, no matter how fucking terrible, rather than none? Am I at that low of a point now? Really?! I am not this woman. I deserve more than this. I deserve love and affection and I fucking deserve more than the scraps of affection and confusion Ryan is able/willing to give me right now. I need to make it clear that he is not allowed to touch me.
Not allowed to touch me or tell me he likes seeing my butt crack. Seriously.
What the fucking fuck?
Seriously. Terrible, weird, awesome, godawful and strange. All at once.
So, Ryan came home on the 5th. That was terrible. He was an asshole and I'll spare you the details but I basically dropped him off at his house after I picked him up from the airport because he was being such a doucher. So then the next day we did the obligatory "I'm sorry"'s and then I went over to his house. We had sex, and then he was weird so I left again.
The next day, we broke up over the phone. It was hard.
It was friendly though, and we vowed to continue to be friends and agreed that he would still help me with my health stuff (taking me to biopsies, etc...).
So we talked every day for a couple weeks, and he took me to a biopsy. We talked and hashed shit out (we agreed not to have sex, and tied up some other loose ends) and I actually felt pretty good about everything. It was hard, don't get me wrong...I just wasn't devastated. I was okay.
The day of the biopsy it was weird. He was staring at me and playing with my hair and walking with his hand on my butt. I could tell something was up.
Then I was at pool last week and Ryan texted me saying he was sad. When I asked him why, he said "I'm an idiot, I let a good thing go, but oh well" and when I responded by saying we both tried as hard as we could have, he said "I could have tried harder", it was confusing and odd. I asked him if we could talk about it in person and he said "some other time maybe".
The next day I asked him to go on a walk with me since it was really nice outside. We went hiking on a trail out at rockbridge park. He was talking about how attractive I looked and we were kind of flirting, and at one point my ass crack was hanging out when I was sitting on a cliff, and I said "sorry my ass is hanging out, don't look" and he said "I like looking at it". It was strange. I eventually got up enough courage to confront him about the confusing texts. I told him it seemed like mixed messages. He said he's just confused, that he didn't know what he wanted and wouldn't elaborate any more than that.
Yesterday I went to his house and we had sex...yeah...the sex we agreed not to have? I guess we were both just feeling weak and horny...so, we did. It was amazing sex, funny enough. I gave him a back massage and we had sex again. It was even more amazing the second time. Then we watched the Oscars and I went home. It was confusing.
Today I was thinking about it a lot, and he called me and I kind of blurted it out all at once. He was frustratingly clueless about everything. He said "you want me to tell you how I feel, so I told you that I'm wondering if I made the right decision, and now you're saying it's confusing you, so I just won't tell you how I feel I guess" and when I asked him what we're doing he played stupid "what do you mean, what are we doing?" I was like....um, you're sending me mixed messages. "What mixed messages?!" he was seriously flabbergasted. Eventually the conversation went sour. We were screaming at each other, I had a panic attack, and he got pissed and said he just wanted to be friends and never talk to each other. It was painful and frustrating. He said he regretted having sex "if this is what's going to happen"...like it was my fucking fault that we were arguing! He is completely deluded about his role in his own actions...he always has been. He also kept saying..."I don't know what to say...I have a lot going on right now, soooo" like because he has a lot going on right now I'm not allowed to ask questions or have expectations.
I don't know why I'm putting up with this. I'm pathetic!!!! Am I so self conscious that I'm willing to accept any affection from Ryan, no matter how fucking terrible, rather than none? Am I at that low of a point now? Really?! I am not this woman. I deserve more than this. I deserve love and affection and I fucking deserve more than the scraps of affection and confusion Ryan is able/willing to give me right now. I need to make it clear that he is not allowed to touch me.
Not allowed to touch me or tell me he likes seeing my butt crack. Seriously.
What the fucking fuck?
29.1.12
Um...I feel more alone than I ever have in my entire life. People say that all the time, I know. But I fucking mean it. i am so very alone right now.
I have no clue where to go from here.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want.
I am alone, and I don't know anything.
What now?
I have no clue where to go from here.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want.
I am alone, and I don't know anything.
What now?
26.1.12
A complaint of epic proportions. You don't actually have to read it, it's more of a GODIHAVETOGETTHISOUTOFMEORIWILLEXPLODE type of post.
I feel like screaming, like pulling my hair out and screaming until I can't fucking breath anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating, choking on introspection. Suffocating on all the thoughts in my mind, all my self analysis like a million blankets thrown in my face obscuring me from the right path, the simple path.
I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. This is a toxic relationship.
I'm done letting him use my "health problems" as a weapon.
"I think about your health" is his go-to excuse/reason/tool/get out of jail free card for everything!
1.) I need you to communicate with me more..."I think about your health, don't want to add more to what you have to deal with"
2.) Can we have sex? "I think about your health, you didn't feel well last week I don't think you're ready to have sex yet."
3.) Can we discuss ______?/_____ is really bothering me lately./Can you please_____ more often/etc.. "My doctor told me I need to avoid stress because it makes my back problems worse, and since I'm already thinking about and dealing with your health stuff all the time, when you ask me for _______ it just adds unnecessary stress."
He also says things to discount and make light of my issues. Like "you just need to stop unnecessarily stressing me out by letting every little thing bother you". In that sentence he has not only made it seem like my problem wasn't a problem but an "overreaction", he is insinuating that even if I do have an issue it must not actually be that important, is "unnecessary" and that I better think twice or else I'll stress him out. Which he knows I worry about not only because he has said that stress hurts his back, but because I am obsessed with not realizing that I'm being manipulative and so I always second guess my motivations and the legitimacy of the issues I'm having in a relationship. He knows this and plays on this weakness.
He says I need to stop "harassing" him when I come to him with a problem. His reactions make me feel like a simple nagging wife archetype who just doesn't know when to shut up. A woman who should base all of her interaction with her significant other on whether or not he wants to have them. To put what she wants/needs/desires on the back burner to his happiness. He shouldn't have to deal with my issues when he'd much rather watch TV. "Goddammit, why can't I ever just relax in peace!" he's screamed at me before.
After the transplant everyone kept saying "he's a keeper" to me. "he's a keeper" hes a keeper, hesakeeper hesakeeper. I agreed, the man he magically became during that terrible/amazing time in my life was a keeper. But it was momentary and temporary. Three weeks later I was living in his house and while he assured me that everything was going to go smoothly, he got frustrated and lost his temper quickly. We argued and I had so many panic attacks I had to go on anti anxiety medicine for the first time in my life. I will agree that it by far wasn't all his fault, I had some pretty crazy fucking mood swings, depression, and drag-you-down-in-the-darkness breakdowns but his reactions ranged from mediocre to fucking pathetic.
Intimacy is nearly non-existent with Ryan. The most intimate we have EVER been was while I was in the hospital during the transplant. Ryan kept eye contact with me several times, held my hand, comforted me, and vocalized compliments and his love and adoration numerous times. Other than that, we hardly have any bodily contact at all. Sometimes if he's getting coffee or sitting in a chair, I'll come up to him and offer a hug/kiss/or back rub. Occasionally while we're at pool he might come up to where I'm sitting and offer his back to me almost like "here, I'm standing close enough for you to touch me, revel in this allowance". Or he might even touch my shoulder on his way past me. When we are at his house, watching television, I have to ask him to touch me. "will you put your hand on my knee?" while I take every opportunity to rub his feet as we watch a movie, or to rest my head on his lap if he's not laying down and I am. If I say something about this he gets angry and says "what do you want!? I'm 8 inches from you!" Not recognizing that general vicinity is a much different thing than physical contact. Sex. Sex is mediocre at best. Sometimes penetration is wonderful. But other than that, it actually sucks really really bad. I never get off unless I masturbate while we're fucking. We only have sex in one position. He doesn't ever make any noise or say anything sexy, he leaves his clothes on every single time! In three years, we have had completely naked sex enough times to count on one hand! He keeps his eyes closed the entire time, sometimes he even leaves his sunglasses on. That's because usually we were watching tv right before getting busy. Usually the TV is still on, and I have to listen to some stupid fucking infomercial while I'm trying to have sex. He never goes down on me, he has done this maybe twice, EVER. I tell him what I want: roleplay, being tied up, spanking, my fantasies, whatever it might be. He says he's not interested in having sex like that. I ask him what he wants, he says "nothing". I buy cards to try to spice it up, cards with sex positions on them, and he barely looks at them, tossing each one aside saying "done that. done that. not interested. done that." A couple of different times he's even cum inside me and then gotten up to do whatever, and when I say "I didn't come" he said "feel free to use your lube, then". He doesn't stay to watch or touch my breasts or legs, he leaves. We don't kiss during sex, we don't kiss ever. Sometimes he kisses me on the forehead, and sometimes the lips, but not very often, and never with tongue. After sex, we don't cuddle, snuggle, have pillow talk or really do anything except watch tv and fall asleep. It isn't spontaneous and often times he turns me down when I try to be sexy, and makes me feel stupid. When we have sex it's usually at his advances which usually consist of us laying in bed watching tv, his face is still glued to the television but his hand is under the covers blindly searching for my clit. Sometimes he finds it, and vigorously rubs it dry until its numb, but more often than not he finds a spot that feels vaguely similar and rubs it the same way. Then I go down on him and we have sex. In that order, always. He never looks at me naked, never watches my pussy as he touches it, and never pays attention to what we are doing in general.
I don't feel sexy, desirable, like I turn him on, or even pretty around him. This is because I barely ever receive any kind of compliments from him. Nary a "you smell nice" or "wow your hair looks beautiful tonight". Nothing. Nada. I bring it up to him and he says "I only give compliments when I mean them, what do you want me to do, lie to you?"
Dates are almost non-existent. When I try to go out to eat he says "I'm not gonna waste money on food I can cook at home!"
movie: I'm not gonna waste money when I can rent it later!
comedy club: Not interested.
haunted house: " "
mini golf: " "
Play: " "
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Boring, boring boring. Dull. Unfair.
I ask him, while he's in India for almost two months, "do you miss me?" and he says "yeah, why?" and then changes the subject.
There is some pretty serious and bummerific stuff going on with his health, and I'm trying to be there for him, but he's keeping me completely in the dark. Again because "...your health issues, I don't want to talk about my stuff when yours is so much worse". He talks more to our mutual friend, Melvin, than he does to me.
Ryan gets home on the 6th of Feb. Melvin leaves for 3 weeks on the 8th. Melvin told me tonight that Ryan has already made plans with him to "get together" before Melvin leaves. This will have to happen on the 7th, obviously. This makes me angry and hurt, because after not having seen me for 2 months, my boyfriend of 3 years wants to hang out with his buddy Melvin instead of spending time with me. This makes me feel like shit. I am one of his lowest priorities. I barely even matter at all to him. He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't need my opinion to weigh in on making major decisions. Sometimes I think the only reason he's with me is because I'm better than being with no one and he thinks I could die suddenly and doesn't want to feel guilty for breaking up with me. That is a shitty shitty way to feel.
Tonight on the phone I sexily implied that we have phone sex tonight. Even though he's been really sick the last few days he tells me "Maybe I'll call you, but I'll probably go out with my friends tonight". When I mention that he should be careful because his body probably isn't completely healed from the flu, he gets annoyed. Then I get mad because he didn't even act like phone sex was interesting in any way. I said "well, does that even interest you, at all!? He said "No, not really" and then said "of course it does, what do you think!?" I said "I think you make me feel like the most unattractive woman in the world. Then I had a mini panic attack and he said he had to get off the phone. Wonderful.
I need this to be over. I need our relationship to end.
But I feel guilty after Ryan "put up with" all my health issues and helped me through that time in my life. I can't break it off now, while he actually needs me for once. But does he need me? Or do I just need him to need me?
He sure doesn't act like he needs me for anything. On the contrary, he acts like he doesn't need me for anything. Like I don't even matter.
I don't need this shit, that's for sure. I'm so tired of feeling bad. Bad for things I cannot even control, like my health and my wants and needs. I'm tired of second guessing myself. "Do I really need that?" "Is that really worth arguing about?" "Am I being unreasonable?" etc etc etc etc etc etc blah blah blah blah blah.
I need and want and deserve a partner who cares about my feelings, and wants to hear them. A partner who finds me attractive and tells me so. Who appreciates my help and support. Who needs and wants me as much as I need and want them. Who communicates issues if they have them. Who tells me about their life and goals and desires and fantasies. Who wants me to know about them. Who loves me and has fun with me and laughs and cries with me. A friend, a lover, a true partner.
I need, want, and deserve a healthy relationship. Please.
I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. This is a toxic relationship.
I'm done letting him use my "health problems" as a weapon.
"I think about your health" is his go-to excuse/reason/tool/get out of jail free card for everything!
1.) I need you to communicate with me more..."I think about your health, don't want to add more to what you have to deal with"
2.) Can we have sex? "I think about your health, you didn't feel well last week I don't think you're ready to have sex yet."
3.) Can we discuss ______?/_____ is really bothering me lately./Can you please_____ more often/etc.. "My doctor told me I need to avoid stress because it makes my back problems worse, and since I'm already thinking about and dealing with your health stuff all the time, when you ask me for _______ it just adds unnecessary stress."
He also says things to discount and make light of my issues. Like "you just need to stop unnecessarily stressing me out by letting every little thing bother you". In that sentence he has not only made it seem like my problem wasn't a problem but an "overreaction", he is insinuating that even if I do have an issue it must not actually be that important, is "unnecessary" and that I better think twice or else I'll stress him out. Which he knows I worry about not only because he has said that stress hurts his back, but because I am obsessed with not realizing that I'm being manipulative and so I always second guess my motivations and the legitimacy of the issues I'm having in a relationship. He knows this and plays on this weakness.
He says I need to stop "harassing" him when I come to him with a problem. His reactions make me feel like a simple nagging wife archetype who just doesn't know when to shut up. A woman who should base all of her interaction with her significant other on whether or not he wants to have them. To put what she wants/needs/desires on the back burner to his happiness. He shouldn't have to deal with my issues when he'd much rather watch TV. "Goddammit, why can't I ever just relax in peace!" he's screamed at me before.
After the transplant everyone kept saying "he's a keeper" to me. "he's a keeper" hes a keeper, hesakeeper hesakeeper. I agreed, the man he magically became during that terrible/amazing time in my life was a keeper. But it was momentary and temporary. Three weeks later I was living in his house and while he assured me that everything was going to go smoothly, he got frustrated and lost his temper quickly. We argued and I had so many panic attacks I had to go on anti anxiety medicine for the first time in my life. I will agree that it by far wasn't all his fault, I had some pretty crazy fucking mood swings, depression, and drag-you-down-in-the-darkness breakdowns but his reactions ranged from mediocre to fucking pathetic.
Intimacy is nearly non-existent with Ryan. The most intimate we have EVER been was while I was in the hospital during the transplant. Ryan kept eye contact with me several times, held my hand, comforted me, and vocalized compliments and his love and adoration numerous times. Other than that, we hardly have any bodily contact at all. Sometimes if he's getting coffee or sitting in a chair, I'll come up to him and offer a hug/kiss/or back rub. Occasionally while we're at pool he might come up to where I'm sitting and offer his back to me almost like "here, I'm standing close enough for you to touch me, revel in this allowance". Or he might even touch my shoulder on his way past me. When we are at his house, watching television, I have to ask him to touch me. "will you put your hand on my knee?" while I take every opportunity to rub his feet as we watch a movie, or to rest my head on his lap if he's not laying down and I am. If I say something about this he gets angry and says "what do you want!? I'm 8 inches from you!" Not recognizing that general vicinity is a much different thing than physical contact. Sex. Sex is mediocre at best. Sometimes penetration is wonderful. But other than that, it actually sucks really really bad. I never get off unless I masturbate while we're fucking. We only have sex in one position. He doesn't ever make any noise or say anything sexy, he leaves his clothes on every single time! In three years, we have had completely naked sex enough times to count on one hand! He keeps his eyes closed the entire time, sometimes he even leaves his sunglasses on. That's because usually we were watching tv right before getting busy. Usually the TV is still on, and I have to listen to some stupid fucking infomercial while I'm trying to have sex. He never goes down on me, he has done this maybe twice, EVER. I tell him what I want: roleplay, being tied up, spanking, my fantasies, whatever it might be. He says he's not interested in having sex like that. I ask him what he wants, he says "nothing". I buy cards to try to spice it up, cards with sex positions on them, and he barely looks at them, tossing each one aside saying "done that. done that. not interested. done that." A couple of different times he's even cum inside me and then gotten up to do whatever, and when I say "I didn't come" he said "feel free to use your lube, then". He doesn't stay to watch or touch my breasts or legs, he leaves. We don't kiss during sex, we don't kiss ever. Sometimes he kisses me on the forehead, and sometimes the lips, but not very often, and never with tongue. After sex, we don't cuddle, snuggle, have pillow talk or really do anything except watch tv and fall asleep. It isn't spontaneous and often times he turns me down when I try to be sexy, and makes me feel stupid. When we have sex it's usually at his advances which usually consist of us laying in bed watching tv, his face is still glued to the television but his hand is under the covers blindly searching for my clit. Sometimes he finds it, and vigorously rubs it dry until its numb, but more often than not he finds a spot that feels vaguely similar and rubs it the same way. Then I go down on him and we have sex. In that order, always. He never looks at me naked, never watches my pussy as he touches it, and never pays attention to what we are doing in general.
I don't feel sexy, desirable, like I turn him on, or even pretty around him. This is because I barely ever receive any kind of compliments from him. Nary a "you smell nice" or "wow your hair looks beautiful tonight". Nothing. Nada. I bring it up to him and he says "I only give compliments when I mean them, what do you want me to do, lie to you?"
Dates are almost non-existent. When I try to go out to eat he says "I'm not gonna waste money on food I can cook at home!"
movie: I'm not gonna waste money when I can rent it later!
comedy club: Not interested.
haunted house: " "
mini golf: " "
Play: " "
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Boring, boring boring. Dull. Unfair.
I ask him, while he's in India for almost two months, "do you miss me?" and he says "yeah, why?" and then changes the subject.
There is some pretty serious and bummerific stuff going on with his health, and I'm trying to be there for him, but he's keeping me completely in the dark. Again because "...your health issues, I don't want to talk about my stuff when yours is so much worse". He talks more to our mutual friend, Melvin, than he does to me.
Ryan gets home on the 6th of Feb. Melvin leaves for 3 weeks on the 8th. Melvin told me tonight that Ryan has already made plans with him to "get together" before Melvin leaves. This will have to happen on the 7th, obviously. This makes me angry and hurt, because after not having seen me for 2 months, my boyfriend of 3 years wants to hang out with his buddy Melvin instead of spending time with me. This makes me feel like shit. I am one of his lowest priorities. I barely even matter at all to him. He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't need my opinion to weigh in on making major decisions. Sometimes I think the only reason he's with me is because I'm better than being with no one and he thinks I could die suddenly and doesn't want to feel guilty for breaking up with me. That is a shitty shitty way to feel.
Tonight on the phone I sexily implied that we have phone sex tonight. Even though he's been really sick the last few days he tells me "Maybe I'll call you, but I'll probably go out with my friends tonight". When I mention that he should be careful because his body probably isn't completely healed from the flu, he gets annoyed. Then I get mad because he didn't even act like phone sex was interesting in any way. I said "well, does that even interest you, at all!? He said "No, not really" and then said "of course it does, what do you think!?" I said "I think you make me feel like the most unattractive woman in the world. Then I had a mini panic attack and he said he had to get off the phone. Wonderful.
I need this to be over. I need our relationship to end.
But I feel guilty after Ryan "put up with" all my health issues and helped me through that time in my life. I can't break it off now, while he actually needs me for once. But does he need me? Or do I just need him to need me?
He sure doesn't act like he needs me for anything. On the contrary, he acts like he doesn't need me for anything. Like I don't even matter.
I don't need this shit, that's for sure. I'm so tired of feeling bad. Bad for things I cannot even control, like my health and my wants and needs. I'm tired of second guessing myself. "Do I really need that?" "Is that really worth arguing about?" "Am I being unreasonable?" etc etc etc etc etc etc blah blah blah blah blah.
I need and want and deserve a partner who cares about my feelings, and wants to hear them. A partner who finds me attractive and tells me so. Who appreciates my help and support. Who needs and wants me as much as I need and want them. Who communicates issues if they have them. Who tells me about their life and goals and desires and fantasies. Who wants me to know about them. Who loves me and has fun with me and laughs and cries with me. A friend, a lover, a true partner.
I need, want, and deserve a healthy relationship. Please.
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